Complain Right, and Ye Shall Receive

Or, "The misspelled direct mailings have cost us three customers that we know of, but repairing the injury to the rest of our relationships requires that we all drop our work to personally appear before each of them to massage their sore necks and bruised egos. The overtime is going to kill us, not to mention the damage to our tennis elbows." (Note that making your adversary laugh is always a bonus.)

The Wish or Question

The last step in a successful complaint puts the ball in your listeners' or readers' court while still maintaining some sort of leverage.

Before you pay the bill or take receipt of the imperfect item, try to engage your partner in conflict to tackle salvaging the relationship with you.

Especially if the situation may be too far gone to salvage, what you need now is a partner who'll help you going forward. It may mean allowing someone you don't trust one more chance, but the good karma (and low cost) in letting them try to fix the problem will most likely pay off.

Rhetorically, the salutary wish or question usually takes the form of wishing that there were some way to resolve the problem, then leaving the solution open-ended. This way, your listeners or readers feel brilliant when they come up with a solution, instead of just feeling like losers for creating the problem in the first place.

It can also mean putting it to them as a wish and a question, as in, "I wish there were a way to mitigate the situation. Can you think of some way to compensate us for the loss and get our exam room back as soon as possible?"

Or "I wish there were a way to turn back time before the vulgarity slipped into that direct mailing, but perhaps you can think of a way to help us with our customer repairs and rebuild the business we have lost?"

You'll know you've made a successful complaint when you are able to mail it off -- or say it -- without getting upset. You should be relaxed, filled with relief and hope, not clenching, pouting or gritting your teeth.

Achieving equanimity may take a few drafts or a few practice sessions role-playing the meeting with a friend, but the good news is, with practice it gets easier. At least, that's Miss Conduct's story, and she's sticking to it.

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