Funny Money: Private Eyes ... Who's Watching?

Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.

I'm having a bit of an identity crisis this week. First came word that Kreisler Manufacturing Corp.'s third-quarter profit was below expectations, prompting my editor to ask if I wasn't really the scion of the metals manufacturer, which prompted me to ask them the same, which, of course, led to the restraining order.

Second was the bigger news of the company I'd always considered my namesake, at least phonetically. Chrysler and Daimler have split up. I never liked it when Mommy and Daddy fought, and I guess they won't anymore. It's a corporate divorce, and while they'll divvy up the house and kids and alimony, it's sad that neither one wants the car.

Dieter Zetsche -- the mustachioed guy who ran Daimler and moonlighted as Wilfred Brimley's stand-in -- said the decision was "emotionally a very tough process for me." Not as much as it was for me, Jeff Kreisler! Daimler took a chance on a poor schlub of a company from the wrong side of the tracks, and now it's over. I've lost my synergy.

Zetsche said Daimler will revert to selling just Mercedes-Benz cars and trucks. He sighed, twisting his grey lip fur: "If we have to make a fortune only exploiting the superficial needs of the wealthy, we will."

Chrysler was bought by Cerberus Capital Management, the private-equity firm. The purchase is a bold new step for private equity in general. One quick question: Why is it called "private equity"? Why not just "money"?