The Trickle-Down Etiquette Effect

Rule Three

Miss Conduct recommends that you always be entertaining, or at least flattering. Leading psychologists put it another way: Connect, then direct. This concept builds on Rule One -- we try not only to treat people with kindness but to engage them.

If you want the new intern to stuff your envelopes, you have to enlist him in your mission -- or keep him so busy laughing that he doesn't notice how hard he's working. If you're not a natural comic talent, that means motivating the resource to apply his special abilities to the project in specific ways. Starting with a direct, meaningful compliment softens the whole operation.

Being funny or flattering won't change the structure of who's on top. It's like asking a cabbie to take you across midtown Manhattan for a key business lunch that starts in seven minutes.

You might not be in the driver's seat, but you can be in the seat of power. If you bark out your directions, it might make you feel in control, but you're not really accomplishing anything. If you get the driver in on your plan, though, that makes him feel connected so that he brings his talents and knowledge to bear and gets you there on time.

Everyone wants to be a part of something larger than themselves; employ your resources so that whomever you're working with gives his or her best. And if you make people laugh, they'll be on your side from the start.

Grace isn't just a way of getting around, it's a way of life.

On a day-to-day basis, our thoughts are like seeds. Tending them now can mean keeping our eyes on a forest of good things rather than narrowing our focus to deal with a few sick specimens.

These three simple rules will pay off in terms of ease and endorphins, reinforcing a positive attitude that lets you keep working toward your goals.

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