Funny Money: Hard Times & Hard Candy

JetBlue cut its forecast for 2007 profits and blamed the weather, because it's been too long to still blame Katrina.

Applebee's is closing 24 restaurants. But where will I go on cheap first dates?

Claire's, maker of costume jewelry, will be bought by Apollo Management. Fake adornments for beauty, private equity, and 40-year-old space references. That's all we have left.

Starbucks signed former Beatle Paul McCartney to an exclusive music deal. Money can't buy him love, but it can buy him an ex-wife in a dancing show and a deal helping a corporate drug pusher. So that's cool.

Starbucks has a record label? Remember when Startbucks just made coffee? And MTV just played videos? And only white men voted? What's next, MTV sells coffee so that women can vote? I said, stay away from my hard candy.

Sorry, traveling through the country always makes me critical of it. I know that's wrong. I know I should be happy that we're all going to hell. I'm just stubborn.