Funny Money: Hard Times & Hard Candy

That big pet food scare this week? Also part of the plan to remind the planet who's boss.

In corporate news, Oracle's profits were larger than expected, meaning, once again, that the Oracle's oracle was wrong. Sacrifice another goat!

Blockbuster's CEO John Antioco will step down after a two-year battle over late fees on his copy of Gigli.

Triad Hospitals was bought by Community Health Systems, creating the largest publicly traded U.S. hospital chain. Ahhh, publicly held hospitals. I can't wait until shareholders oust the board because they're spending too much on gauze or keep letting those pesky poor people live.

Shares of AtheroGenics, partnered with AstraZeneca, fell sharply after 300 bravely defiant Spartans held off their drug trial.

In a related story, states are requiring drug makers to disclose their payments to doctors, prompting me to ask: "Why do you hate freedom?"

Speaking of which, MySpace users are upset because the company is imposing restrictions on third-party software programs that "cut down our freedom and take away our rights." The freedoms and rights on a poorly designed Web site? To arms! Guantanamo Bay and the Patriot Act? Eh. Seriously kids, stop worrying so much about getting music and videos and pictures of naked ladies, and start worrying about the end of the world. No more innocence! And, another thing: Stay away from my hard candy. Harrumph.