Funny Money: Hard Times & Hard Candy

In Wal-Mart's legal battle with Julie Roehm, the company said: "Instead of working solely in Wal-Mart's interest, (she) frequently put her own first." Then it added, "We must assimilate all to The Borg."

The company claims Roehm had an affair with Sean Womack, based upon evidence provided by Womack's ex-wife. Oh, his ex-wife. Good, she's a totally impartial source of information. I guess they couldn't get testimony from the ants he'd torture with a magnifying glass as a child. The evidence in question was a series of emails that never actually describe a sexual relationship, but "the meaning becomes entirely clear." As someone who's frequently thought the meaning of emails from women was "entirely clear," allow me to say "No." They should probably just remain friends, she doesn't want to complicate anything, and now she's dating my roommate.

Plaintiffs against Enron's financial advisors were denied class action status because an appeal court in New Orleans hates freedom.

LID, a diamond seller, filed for Chapter 11 Bankruptcy. Ironically, Leonardo DiCaprio also played a role in this. You know, Blood Diamond. That handsome devil's got more economic sway than Bernanke. Then again, so does an old photo of Alan Greenspan.

Beef prices may be on the rise, meaning we'll have to find a cheaper way to assert our dominance while giving ourselves avoidable health problems. I'm thinking base-jumping into piles of quail eggs.