Funny Money: You Know I'm Getting Silly in '07

In honor of The Wall Street Journal's new design, my jokes are now three inches funnier.

Various & Sundry

Democrats assumed control of Congress this week and promptly asked lobbyists to switch to direct deposit.

In San Francisco, new legislation brought the minimum wage to $9.14 an hour. Huh, I guess despite their smugness, they really are better than us. Dangit.

Power Plant Entertainment has sued the Seminole Tribe and Hard Rock Cafe for bid-rigging last month's sale. A word of advice to my Native American friends: In any settlement, do not accept blankets from Power.

Ian Morris of HSBC said that the Fed will cut interest rates five times this year, then he got in his DeLorean, hit 88 mph and 1.21 gigawatts and went back to save his kids... in the future.

Ben Bernanke hinted that the Fed may actually raise rates to fight inflation, adding, "See honey, I told you I'm relevant."

Royal Capital Corp. acquired Shoney's LLC, marking the first time "Royal" and "Shoney's" have been in the same sentence without being followed by the phrase "home fries."

John Malone is trying to buy Rainbow Media from the Dolan family. In response, Rainbow's Women's Entertainment Network released a giant Bridezilla to battle Malone over downtown Tokyo.

The NYSE lost about $39 billion worth of listings last year, but plans to make up for them by putting up a video on YouTube.

Enron's former chief accounting officer, Richard Causey, began a 5 1/2-year sentence. Like sands through the hourglass, these are the executives going to jail.

Fox cancelled both The O.C. and Geraldo at Large. Is nothing sacred? What about the children? The empty-headed, easily distracted children who need to stay dumb? What will you say to them, Fox? Oh yeah, American Idol.

The Philadelphia Inquirer began laying off newsroom staff and promptly blamed Terrell Owens. Luckily, Jeff Garcia can also report this news.

The New York Times ran a large article on the booming air freshener business. I dunno, maybe if we didn't cut down millions of pine trees every December they could filter our air... as intended. Sincerely, Mr. Grinch.

A federal judge dismissed charges of selling illegal tax shelters against KPMG once the firm agreed to do his taxes.

Homeland Security will require background checks for 750,000 port workers. Among the questions to be asked at local docks: "Do you know a guy?" Answers: a.) Yeah, I knows one. b.) You gotta ask The Boss. c.) Death to America.

The Union of Concerned Citizens has accused Exxon Mobil of misleading the public. The company responded by starting a website: TheUnionOfConcernedCitizensKilledYourPuppy.com.

My use of the colon-pause technique this week: excessive.