Funny Money: The Great Immigration Debate

Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.

As the summer unofficially comes to an end, developments in the Middle East, oil prices and the housing market have many investors worried. Also, the days seem to be getting shorter and the temperature is falling! Is it autumn or is it the end of the world?! Help us, Tom Cruise!

Speaking of Sir Thomas (a.k.a. "Would you be normal with that much money and the short-man's complex?) Cruise got a deal with Daniel Snyder, owner of Six Flags theme parks. Cruise will produce films and an amusement park ride that will zip passengers to Scientology's home planet aboard Oprah's couch.

Meanwhile, Richard Grasso lost another bid to distract us from the fact that he got paid $140 million to leave a nonprofit company. Instead of arguing for a few bucks, why doesn't he just get a job as the mascot for Snyder's Six Flags?

In other megalomania news, former media baron Conrad Black had his lavish spending curtailed by a Canadian court. But, in a parallel universe, a.k.a. "bizarro world", Conrad White worked for Habitat for Humanity.

Thomas LaSorda, the chairman of Chrysler (no relation), said he expected gas prices to stay high for the rest of the decade. The news came as gasoline fell 3 cents. That's right, gas prices are falling. Is there an election coming up? Oh yeah. ... U-S-A! U-S-A!