Funny Money: Tripping Down the Aisles

Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.

Wow, I can't leave you people alone for even a week, can I? I take a little time off, and all heck breaks loose. General Motors tested missiles with Renault, North Korea head-butted the Italian price of oil, and Ken Lay used a body double to escape to Lichtenstein, er, I mean, he "passed away."

"Without laughter, there is only madness." That's what Nietzsche would've said, especially if he'd faced six days of rain on his Tahitian honeymoon like I did.

But I digress. I'm back. Stuff happened this week. Stuff that was, well, funny.

Hank Paulson was sworn in as Treasury secretary and promptly began asking about severance packages.

Several companies are challenging WebMD with health care Web sites, which is great because the radiation from my computer screen should wipe out the tumor caused by my cell phone.

Kraft will buy the United Biscuits Group in attempt to create the world's most powerful hors d'oeuvre.

Ten executives from Take-Two Interactive exited the troubled maker of video games like Grand Theft Auto. Three were run down in the street, four were shot in a bad drug deal, two were caught stabbing a hooker and this little piggy went wee wee wee all the way home.

Oil prices have prompted investors to look closely at alternative fuels like corn and soybeans. Tofu-flavored popcorn? That will certainly produce some kinda gas. Yum!

Former Victoria's Secret executive Deborah Fine was named head of iVillage, the Web site for women, because, as all good 1950s Americans know, the best way to empower women is to teach them to be the media's idea of sexy.

The NYSE fined Van Der Moolen for overbilling, though the exchange should've known something was up when the company introducing itself as "Van Der Moolah."