Funny Money: A Quarter Full of Hilarity

Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.

We here at Funny Money believe that, in order to understand where we're going, we must know where we've been. To that end, it's time for our quarterly review. Here then, once again, are some of the important business events from the second quarter of 2006.

April: Powered by Worry

Wal-Mart is going to offer aid to small businesses. In response, Princess Leia yelled, "No Luke! It's a trap!!" Then all across America the corner store was put into carbon freeze.

Apple will offer computers that run Windows. Hooray! My Mac and I have been dying to get these "viruses" we keep hearing about. Thanks, Steve. Can't wait until you sell me the $300 portable solution to whatever problems this'll cause.

Alan Greenspan said global economic imbalance might be improved if some high-growth nations let their currencies strengthen. Alan, let it go. You had your chance. Go back to wandering the beach with a metal detector, wearing your big shorts and black socks and looking like an out of work popcorn mogul.

Oil prices shot over $70 per barrel. If only I could power my car on worry.

Lenovo Group, China's largest PC maker, will buy $1.2 billion of Microsoft's Windows software, prompting Bill Gates to rise from a pool of molten lava and declare, "So it begins."

McDonald's "Dollar Menu" is being criticized for increasing the risk of obesity, even though they now offer a 99-cent insulin injection. Also offering value menus: Marlboro, Schlitz malt liquor, and Smith & Wesson.

Rambus won a $300 million jury award against Hynix for patent violation. Rambus and Hynix, of course, were the original names for Dr. Seuss' Thing 1 and Thing 2.

May: Faith-Based Accounting

Big oil companies have begun an aggressive PR campaign to gain the public's trust. The new motto? Oil: Suck it!