Funny Money: Binging and Merging

Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.

Robert Zoellick, second in command at the State Department, left to join Goldman Sachs. This after Goldman head Hank Paulson left to join the Treasury and then announced he will sell all his Goldman stock. Hmm ... If my math is correct, the Treasury is greater than Goldman, and Goldman's greater than the State Department, which means the State Department should have an IPO soon, underwritten by Goldman, all stock purchased by Halliburton.

Elsewhere, Nestle will buy Jenny Craig in a blatant attempt to get Kirstie Alley more chocolate, er, um, "exposure."

Nestle buying Jenny Craig: Sweets maker buying diet empire. It's like heroin producers chipping in for a methadone clinic. "The sooner they get thin, the sooner they'll feel good enough to get fat again."

Smart move on the part of Nestle, hedging their bets like that. Who knows if people want to be fat or thin? Maybe they'll just fluctuate between the two ... I wonder if Oprah's an investor.

Meanwhile, Saks will re-establish its petite women's clothing department after getting pressured by Roseanne Arnold, who literally eats petite women for dinner.

In a totally unrelated story (really), a consumer group filed suit against Yum! Brands' Kentucky Fried Chicken for having too much fat. I believe Americans are too chunky, but you know what? It's not KFC's fault. It's not McDonald's fault. It's our own. We've created a society that's materialistic, commercial and spiritually corrupt. We're all a little empty inside. But food ... food tastes like love. If you don't believe me, just watch any woman eat chocolate.

Speaking of our cultural emptiness, People raised the price for the issue with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's baby pics by 50 cents. Fifty cents, huh? I'm getting married soon, and lemmejusttellya, pics are a lot more than 50 cents. Maybe I should name my bride-to-be "Shiloh" or "Suri" or "Spongebob Bankruptpants."