Funny Money: Investors' Mummified Dreams

Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.

After making anti-inflationary comments (not to be mistaken for anti-inflammatory comments like, "I need Advil"), Fed Chief Ben Bernanke text-messaged the ghost formerly known as Alan Greenspan: "U were right. They R soooo sensitive. Next wk I'm gonna yell 'Boo!'"

The possibility of interest rate hikes sent homebuilder stocks falling, or, as the Toll Brothers' controlled Philadelphia Daily News reported: "Everything's Great! Build Houses Now!"

Speaking of which, documents show that Guidant execs considered telling doctors about their products' dangers, but decided not to, since that would've hurt their sale price and ability to build screams-of-agony-soundproof mansions.

In related news, the FDA approved the use of the MS drug Tysabri, despite the risk of fatal brain disease, because life is full of difficult choices, and who are we to decide how the afflicted might pursue hope of salvation. Oh wait, I mean, because the FDA, like totally, sucks, man.

Meanwhile, Pfizer is selling its consumer products division to focus on its most profitable business, creating disease to sell cures, er, I mean, prescription drugs. If only Listerine caused high cholesterol ... and Lipitor caused bad breath ... they could package a Listerine-Lipitor Double L cycle of doom.

Actually, Pfizer was served with papers in two lawsuits involving Lipitor. Apparently one of the side-effects from the drug is litigiousness.

In other legal and regulatory developments, Austrian bank Bawag agreed to a $675 million settlement for its involvement in the Refco scandal. Refco was a pyramid scheme, and inside that pyramid, Bawag was the toilet paper wrapped around the mummified remains of investors' dreams.

The ACLU asked the FCC to withhold approval of AT&T's purchase of BellSouth not just because it likes alphabet soup, but because of allegations the companies gave away customer information. AT&T responded, "But that's not what you told your grandma on the phone last Sunday."

To watch Jeff Kreisler's video take of this column, click here.