Funny Money: More Chips, Less Firebombing

Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.

The big news this week was the successful "star" leaving a comfortable post to jump-start a fading program. Yes, Katie Couric finally left Today. Oh, and Goldman Sachs head Hank Paulson became the next Treasury Secretary. Most Americans responded to the news by saying "We have a Treasury?"

Paulson will have to relinquish control over his $700 million equity stake in Goldman, and he's given instructions to invest it in Chinese translation services.

Before accepting the offer, Paulson made the government sign a detailed pre-nup. "I know they're just in it for the money, but sometimes a fella can't resist a fling, ya know?"

I'm just excited that we can finally reunite Hank Paulson and Ben Bernanke. Bald Wonder Twin Powers Activate! Shape of interest rates, form of a, uh, condor! (Left unanswered: Who's the little purple monkey?)

In other news from Washington, the Supreme Court said whistleblowers have little protection and agreed to hear a punitive damages tobacco case. I suppose if we run out of healthy customer/employees, we can always revisit our immigration policy.

Blue Cross officials said that late and missing payments from Medicare and Medicaid cost us almost a billion dollars. Hey Blue Cross, it's just trickle down health care. Why do you hate freedom?

Midwestern business grew at its fastest rate last month, which totally explains why NYC got screwed out of Homeland Security money. I mean, come on, there's a new Target in Omaha! A "Target," hello?

Kim Woo Choong, the up-from-his-bootstraps founder of Daewoo, was sentenced to 10 years in prison. Good to see South Korea embracing U.S.-style capitalism.

Speaking of which, maybe the Enron guys will be sentenced to a Weekend at Bernie's? Bernie Ebbers! Get it?

Security software maker McAfee fired its lawyer for improper shenanigans. A security company unable to keep things secure? Why, that's as unbelievable as HR Block having tax return problems... oh wait...

To watch Jeff Kreisler's video take of this column, click here.