Funny Money: Secrets, Lies & Conspiracies

Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.

Ken Lay and Jeffrey Skilling: guilty. The former Enron honchos should've skipped the Scooby-Doo "Rrrrrrrr-I didn't know" defense for the "I did not have fraud with that company" and then pointed to Fannie Mae, which got a spanking too this week.

A report from Fannie's regulator said the company's financials were "illusions" created by execs in a $11 billion scheme. Oddly enough, "Illusions" is also the name of the summer tour starring Fannie Mae, her cousin Daisy Duke and her sister/aunt/nanny Britney Spears.

In other scandalous developments, executives in charge of retailer Royal Ahold were convicted of fraud this week, when a Dutch jury found them to be "A couple of Royal pains in the Ahold."

Amid accusations that it reacted slowly to evidence that its ReNu contact lens solution caused an eye fungus, Bausch & Lomb claimed it was protecting profits since only human eyes were at stake, and people have two of those, adding, "Did I say that out loud?"

Psst ... some guy in Central Park told me this is a conspiracy to give everyone cornea replacements so that They have a database for retinal scans that They will sell to Verizon, the NSA, and, oddly enough, Starbucks, who will know just when you need more caffeine to go shopping in "The Buy Zone.")

Not coincidentally, Verizon announced plans for significant job cuts, noting that it no longer needs the group hired to hide sales of your information to the NSA.

In a related story, the U.S. State Department will keep personal computers made by Lenovo of China, despite possible security risks, noting: "Hey, they already got our veterans info anyway, so what else can go wrong."

Speaking of things going wrong, Ben Bernanke apologized for discussing policy with a CNBC anchor, noting "I'd be even more embarrassed if I weren't planning on raising rates to 6% next month. ... Oops! Did I say that out loud?"