Funny Money: Unbridled Optimism

Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.

The Enron case went to the jury, but not before the government told jurors that if they convict, they promise not to tap their phones for two whole weeks.

In related news, BellSouth and Verizon both denied that they shared data with the NSA, and that the government has the phone records to prove it. Oh wait!

The other day, I asked my friend, "Can you hear me now?" and 13 people answered "Yes." One even asked me to "put the lotion in the basket."

Bausch & Lomb issued a worldwide recall of it's ReNu with MoistureLoc, saying that its misuse could put people at risk, to which Chuck Heston said: "They can have my tears when the pry them from my cold, dead eyes!"

The company's stock price rose on news of the recall, proving, yet again, that admitting mistakes is good business. Which reminds me ... my junior year in college, when I forgot to meet Shannon Follett for dinner: I wasn't at the library, I was drunk. I apologize. Now where's my money?

NYC officials have set a July deadline for a wireless network in Central Park because it's much more important to wire nature than it is to rebuild lower Manhattan. If we have peace and quiet, then the terrorists win.

I can't tell you how many times I've been online and thought, "If there's anything that will mollify the uppity squirrel population, it's more Google."

So, here's the plan: Use the computer, strain your eyes, need contacts, get Bausch & Lombs, require surgery, pay HMOs, be barred from malpractice suits, wash rinse repeat.

In actual legal news, Lincare Holdings settled a case in which the company was accused of paying doctors to recommend its home oxygen system. Selling something free and available like oxygen, eh? That explains my new prescription for Pfizer's "Stop hitting yourself! Why are you hitting yourself?"