Funny Money: Bernanke's Chin

Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.

The FOMC meeting was big news this week, and Ben Bernanke showed a different style from Alan Greenspan, that's for sure. After he announced rate hikes, Bernanke patted us on head, offered us a snack and rubbed us with his furry chin. Hey, that tickles!

Bernanke's also got different code words. Instead of things like "weak consumption" or "await more data," he says stuff like "Run for it!" "Sell everything!" and "Holy crap, we're screwed!" At least that's what I hear.

Speaking of which, the price of gold is soaring, as are the prices of pacifiers, security blankets and escapist melodrama. I have no money, but what the heck is Lindsay Lohan wearing?

In a tough week for tech stocks, Apple won its battle with the Beatles by convincing a London court that iTunes is not a music label but merely a data-transmission service. Ah, yes, kids today, dancing to their data transmissions, covering their bodies with ink infusions and metallic insertions. When will they learn?

In a somewhat-related story, Time Warner announced that it would make content available using BitTorrent software, the basis of millions of illegal downloads. First Napster, now BitTorrent? Everyone's co-opting illegal things for legitimate uses! What's next? Cocaine to solve jigsaw puzzles? Heroin to cure ADD? Parking in front a hydrant to prevent fires? When will it end?!

Separately, Microsoft announced a vision of the world where video-game players are connected at all times by Xboxes, PCs and cell phones. Said Bill Gates: "The future is making gaming attractive to people of all ages" because the future is simultaneously making reality grossly repellent. Bill Gates, crack dealer of the future.

Dell's first-quarter profits missed its forecast. Shoulda got the "soft bigotry of low expectations," dude.

AOL fired 1,300 people at its call centers. Ding! You got hosed! (Here, take this complimentary CD with you.)

Elsewhere, Whirlpool will eliminate 4,500 jobs, mostly from the remnants of its takeover of Maytag, whose repairmen really shouldn't have bragged about not working.