Funny Money: Bernanke's Chin

Delta folded its discount carrier Song back into the main airline, which is a tough blow for the seven people who ever flew Song.

In a related story, the U.S. government is auctioning off frequencies for in-flight Internet use. Sweet. Now I can download video of crying babies, email the fat guy next to me and get "real time" turbulence.

In M&A news, Wachovia's CEO, Kenneth Thompson, said the bank's acquisition of Golden West Financial was "a dream come true." Other dreams of this executive-who-clearly-had-no-childhood: using accrual-based accounting, getting free TurboTax and foreclosing on his grandparents' farm.

Teck Cominco's offer for Inco clouded Inco's bid to acquire Falconbridge and made me wonder if there were enough super-accountants left at the Hall of Justice to battle all these villainous names! Actuarial Man, we need you!! (I bet Kenneth Thompson was a big fan of Actuarial Man as a kid.)

Meanwhile, Rolling Rock is close to being acquired by Anheuser-Busch in an attempt to create the world's first water-only beer. (The "33" stands for how many you have to drink until you taste it.)

Misunderstanding Economics

The SEC accused Morgan Stanley of destroying at least 200,000 emails, but don't worry, the NSA has copies of them all.

SGI, the Hollywood special-effects pioneer, filed for bankruptcy, but right after doing so, a velociraptor transmorphed out of an alien hovercraft into a wall of talking water that punched Tom Cruise in the face. Oh, and it got SGI out of bankruptcy.

Toyota reported higher earnings this week, a 17% jump in profit, prompting U.S. automakers to wonder what part of "automaker" Toyota doesn't understand. The U.S. auto industry: We don't make money, we make mistakes.

Federated Department Stores lost $52 million last quarter. Said its government namesake, "$52 million? What's that, an hour's worth of oil subsidy? Puh-leeeeze."

Cablevision announced that its first-quarter losses narrowed. Hooray! Less loss! What a great standard! That's almost as good as "not totally sucking!"