Funny Money: Alert! Level 3 Alert!

Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.

Early in the week, stocks fell because CNBC reported remarks attributed to Fed Chief Ben Bernanke. Isn't it great that our economy can be crippled by a game of telephone? We're trillions in debt! ... But I didn't say 'Simon Says.'

In other mental illness-based business news, oil prices treated us like kittens chasing a mouse-on-a-string. Iran is bad! Zig. Bolivia! Zag. $100 Rebates! Zoom. Found extra oil in the sofa! Shazam.

I think I'm going to buy one barrel of oil, offer to sell it, then start acting unstable, just to drive the price up. Watch out, I'm gonna quit law school to be a comedian! $8 million a barrel.

In a related story, the state-owned Russian oil company Rosneft doesn't need to raise as much capital as it initially thought, since there's been a huge increase in the value of despair.

Big oil companies have begun an aggressive PR campaign to gain the public's trust. The new motto? Oil: Suck it!

In a related story, Napster has begun offering free music again. Downloading music is sooooo 2005. The future is having the mush in your brain placed in a blender and served directly to Exxon Mobil. Come on, Napster, wake up! (See, I told you it was related.)

Meanwhile, Apple extended contracts with the music industry to sell songs for 99 cents on iTunes. So I guess it's not video, but downloading, that actually killed the radio store. Interesting note: With the songs costing only 99 cents, Richard Pryor will posthumously receive the left-over pennies from Lex Luthor.

In other technology news, dorks of the world unite! Your tether to the office is being threatened. Another company is suing Research in Motion over its BlackBerry. Like the fruit for which it's named, BlackBerry promises to be sweet and delicious, but keeps getting stains on my shirt.

Elsewhere, Microsoft announced a venture to create original entertainment programming for the web. Here's an idea: Mild-mannered innovator becomes megalomaniac bent on ruling the world through technology; suave comedian/online columnist saves the day, gets the girl(s), takes a nap.