Funny Money: Irrelevant, Outdated and Lame

Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.

With rising energy prices becoming a national obsession, Senate leaders this week began questioning the gas and oil incentives and giveaways they passed eight months ago. Apparently, that's easier than vowing to actually do their jobs in the future. Foresight, deliberation, and careful consideration? Never heard of 'em. Off to my lobbyist lunch!

In related news, President Bush relaxed some environmental rules to increase oil production. Come on, tree-huggers, it's just temporary. Everything will be solar powered once the ozone layer burns off ... any minute now.

Bush also met with the CEOs of the Big 3 auto companies to determine which irrelevant, outdated, unbelievably lame (duck) scheme could cost the American people more jobs.

Meanwhile, Nissan Motors announced it would start an "offensive" of new cars in the U.S. market in an attempt to win the "Most Poorly Chosen Word in a Delicate, Teetering-On-The-Edge, Protectionist American Economic Environment Award of 2006."

In other corporate news, Anheueser-Busch reported a huge quarterly income thanks to the company adopting my plan for a booze-powered car.

Yahoo! introduced a test version of software that will allow home-entertainment systems to connect via computer directly into your soul.

Airbus introduced a plan to create standing-room-only "seats." So far, only one airline has signed up for the new models, and, frankly, not many Americans are eligible to fly on No-Fatty Air.

Warner Brothers, makers of broadcast television programs, will begin producing content for cable TV. Finally, a place for the "Jeff Kreisler Napping and Snack-Time Variety Hour!"

Rambus won a $300 million jury award against Hynix for patent violation. Rambus and Hynix, of course, were the original names for Dr. Seuss' Thing 1 and Thing 2.

Speaking of which, the SEC sued hedge fund manager Nelson Obus for insider trading and having a goofy name.

To watch Jeff Kreisler's video take of this column, click here.