Funny Money: Facilitating Disease

Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.

In honor of the sale of Univision, this column is written in a bumblebee outfit.

In a hostile move, Talbots stole the J. Jill Group from Liz Claiborne, which then said Talbots looked fat, which made Talbots point out someone else wearing the same dress as Clairborne. Then they both reached for pictures of their grandkids, but J. Jill saved the day with a tray of International Coffees.

As for the fellas, Carl Icahn said Time Warner CEO Dick Parsons is "not a media guy," Parsons called him a jerk, Icahn said his dad could beat up Parson's dad and buy him and split him and resell him, Parsons said "shut up" and Icahn said "Good comeback, poopy-head," and punched him in the spleen. That's more or less how it happened.

In other M&A news, Hollinger sold its Canadian assets to Glacier Ventures, under the belief that, given global warming, Glacier would eventually melt and the assets would float back.

In a totally unrelated story, President Bush wants us to end our addiction to foreign oil. But considering his latest budget, I guess we're supposed to quit cold turkey. I'd like to use the patch. It delivers tiny pulses of fossil fuel right when I need them most. Hey! I'm craving decayed dinosaurs...Bam! The Oil Patch.

The American Way

In corporate news, profits at Yum! Brands dropped in the fourth quarter because the only people investing in Yum! Brands are 6-year olds, and they don't have much money. Their earnings are, like, 25 cents a tooth.

Pfizer might sell its consumer health division, since consumer health runs counter to its overall strategy of manufacturing disease and facilitating addiction. (Note: "Manufacturing disease and facilitating addiction" is a registered trademark of the Conglomo Corp. Conglomo: Making it bad, so we can make it better.)

Speaking of making it all better, Nissan will end healthcare coverage for U.S. employees in a mistaken attempt to conform to American cultural norms.

To view Jeff's video take on this column, please click here.