Funny Money: Omnipotent Leaders

Fifth Third Bancorp plans to add more branches, even though it has about two-thirds more than it needs.

Wachovia's vice chairman of 15 months will receive a $135 million golden parachute. I've got to incorporate, hire myself, then fire myself, and give myself a huge severance laid on the backs of my shareholders. Who wants to invest?

In other M&A news, Linens 'n Things was sold to Apollo Management and now the artist Cristo can wrap the moon in orange sheets. Apollo...space...linens... sheet...Cristo...The Gates. Come on, you try making this stuff funny week after week after week.

On a related note, Super Bowl advertisers are likely to once again rely upon quick-hitting humor because their products stink.

Corporate Police Blotter

A former Wal-Mart exec, who joined the company as the head of theft-prevention, plead guilty to charges related to stealing from the company. In related news, a fox hired to guard the henhouse admitted to grabbing chickens, and a huge retail conglomerate made another stupid mistake.

A former Citibank exec agreed to settle an SEC probe for $2.7 million, or roughly one-half his 2005 bonus.

The Boston Globe and Worcester Telegram admitted that credit card information on 240,000 subscribers was inadvertently discarded. Shortly thereafter, Donald Trump was seen digging through Massachusetts garbage bins.

Observers are surprised at the pace of the Enron trial. The jury consists of eight women, four men, and 13 movie deals.

The defense has some interesting theories:

"Come on, they didn't prosecute the Captain of the Titanic, did they?"

"Yes, it's bad, but it's not evil." Thus establishing the new standard in American Justice: Innocent Until Proven Evil. As someone who lived in California during the energy crisis, let me just say that charging $500 a month to power a studio is evil.

The defense hired body language experts in order to prove they can waste money, whether it's their's or their employees' and shareholders'. Hey Kenny Boy, I no body language expert, but I'm guessing it's not good that Juror #4 just gave you the finger.

The government's first witness said that Enron's books were fabricated, forcing the company into a devastating confrontation with Oprah.

Oh, Oprah. She ripped author James Frey just to show that America pays more attention to entertainment than politics. We'll question books, reports, and information, so long as no lives are at stake.