Funny Money: Omnipotent Leaders

Meanwhile, Exxon posted a record $10.7 billion profit last quarter, which is about $1,300 per second. That means that if you were Exxon, you'd have lost about 8 grand reading this sentence.

The company has tried to play down the news: It's no big deal, I mean, we've still got to pay taxes. Ha ha ha ha ha! No, but seriously, it's hard being Big Oil. Venezuela is offering to give it away, people pretend to conserve, and we've got all these piles of money to store. I mean, it's not like we can invest it in America. ... Look, Dubai has an indoor ski slope. We've got a lot of catching up to do.

Meanwhile, the recent Ukrainian gas deal is being scrutinized. Why? It's not like the people of the former Soviet Union have a history of graft or bribery or inefficiency or drinking vodka in the cold to forget their exploitation by a regime that values symbolically omnipotent father-like leaders more than human progress.

Speaking of megalomania, regarding Time Warner's strong earnings, Carl Icahn said they "don't exactly get my heart pumping." Well, that's because he's a vampire zombie that feeds on the undead. Duh.

Then, putting his cart before someone else's horse, he named someone to run Time Warner after he takes it over. Wow, that's bold. You know, I think I'll have a turkey sandwich after I sleep with Kate Moss. Lord knows she won't eat any.

A Bank Too Far

In other corporate news, Take-Two Interactive, dealing with criticism and loss, announced its latest release, Grand Theft Auto: Wall Street. You can run down analysts, beat up reporters, and file fraudulent 10-K forms.

Despite earning a jillion dollars, Google saw its stock plummet. I guess that's the way the Google crumbled.

Viacom's Paramount Pictures laid off 120 people after its merger with Dreamworks, noting "the dream works, but these people don't."

Boeing's profits doubled on orders to make planes large enough to carry Exxon's money.

United is emerging from bankruptcy, but just long enough to lose your luggage.

Cablevision might issue a $3 billion dividend. On behalf of misled 18-49 male subscribers everywhere, can I get my money back for Spike TV? Totally not what I expected.

Angiotech Pharma bought a maker of custom needles for $785 million. $786 million, if you include the Courtney Love collection.