Funny Money: (Hair) Raising Expectations

Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.

Analysts don't expect much from this week's column.

Speaking of expectations, Yahoo!, eBay, Apple and J.P. Morgan each had huge profit increases, but they were all below Wall Street expectations.

I love pessimism, but can't we enjoy good news without harping on "expectations." It's just analysts making work for themselves. It's worthless ... unlike snarky comedic commentary, which cures cancer.

In other earnings news, American Airlines reported a loss of $604 million last quarter, but that was only $3.49 a share. So, when you look at it like that, it's really only the price of a venti latte. It's all perspective, people.

Runway 7-2-9er, we've got Continental Airlines coming in hard with a fourth-quarter loss. We're gonna need Chapter 11 on the tarmac. Be sure to steal from employee luggage and provide millions in bonuses to the execs. Over.

In other news, Google and the government have been arguing over pornography records. All together now: It was research for a book.

Google also announced it is moving into radio advertising since diversification prevents boredom. Hey, it worked for Hugh Hefner.

Warren Buffett -- whose successes include Berkshire Hathaway, "Cheeseburger in Paradise" and "Margaritaville" -- bought Business Wire, the second-biggest distributor of press releases. Or as the Berkshire press release said, "Benevolent Leader Extends Virtuous Empire."

That joke was funnier than expected, so this next joke should be worth more.

There's heavy bidding for Burlington Coat Factory. Well sure, it's been a cold winter. Come July, expect similar interest in Manchester Bikini Warehouse.

Whoa, that didn't live up to expectations.

Meanwhile, Linens 'n Things is seeking $600 million to fund a buyout. They'll start by looking under the seat cushions.

Elsewhere in M&A, Boston Scientific upped its bid for Guidant with help from Abbott Labs. Expect Johnson & Johnson to counter, with help from Costello Inc. Who's on first? Guidant's on second. This deal is as annoyingly omnipresent as Paris Hilton, is on third.

Speaking of which, Hilton Hotels will open a chain using the name Waldorf Astoria. Motel 6 will open Stadler Inns, and the two will heckle bad Muppet sketches from the skybox. A chain of Waldorf Astorias would have made my college scavenger hunt much easier. We had to get the hat of the Waldorf bellman. We did it. Because we rock.

To watch Jeff's video version of this column, click here.