Funny Money: The Persecution of the Righteous

Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.

In a blockbuster week for M&A activity, Amgen acquired Abgenix in an effort to move up three pages in the Yellow Pages.

Conoco-Phillips and Florida Power each made bids for other energy companies, proving, once again, that the industry has too much money. They don't know what to do with it, either; they're just buying each other for kicks. Here's an idea: get my landlord to turn on the heat!

Quiznos is up for sale. Anyone want a creepy talking baby? Mmm, mmm toasty.

Meanwhile, General Dynamics, the military contractor, is acquiring a technology firm in a shift of investment strategy. I can't wait until they shift to satire- and sass-based weapons systems. I'm ready: Comedy Against Evil.

In another "synergy is so '90s" development, Dunkin' Donuts was bought by the Carlyle Group, the politically connected firm that specializes in defense, energy and telecommunications. Should we be concerned that a uniquely American vice has fallen into their hands? Not any more than we're concerned that Louis Freeh, former head of the FBI, is general counsel for credit card giant MBNA. I'm not worried because the television told me to play with shiny toys.

Speaking of which, Microsoft's Xbox is on track to sell as many as 3 million units, or what the company calls "Phase IV: Infiltration and Training."

In a related story, Microsoft, Google and Sun will underwrite a $7.5 million research lab on the campus of U.C. Berkeley. The goal: create a bundled monopoly of search-engine microchips that can be inhaled through a bong.

These Troubled Times

The WTO met this week in Hong Kong, promising economic prosperity for the protest and security industries. Actually, ministers did agree to limit fishing subsidies, once again bowing to the "Little Mermaid" lobby.

After declaring a mistrial in the first federal lawsuit of Merck's Vioxx, the judge ordered the stressed-out parties to go home, relax and take a chill pill. ("Chill Pill" is a registered trademark of Pfizer.)