Funny Money: Excellence in Financial Obviousness
12/03/05 - 09:02 AM EST
Jeff Kreisler
Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.
Newmont Mining (NEM Quote - Cramer on NEM - Stock Picks), one of the world's largest producers of gold, said that the price of the metal could rise to more than $1000 an ounce, The NY Post reported this week. What a great, unbiased source! Next The Post will report Nestle's warning of an imminent hot cocoa shortage. Stock up on tiny marshmallows now!! TiVo (TIVO Quote - Cramer on TIVO - Stock Picks) reported a third-quarter loss because the company tried to program employees to record "profits," but instead got a bunch of documentaries about "prophets." JP Morgan Chase (JPM Quote - Cramer on JPM - Stock Picks) sent out its new Blink card, whether I wanted it or not. Apparently, putting my credit in a format that can be stolen by some freak on the subway with an electronic scanner doo-dad is a "complimentary upgrade." Gee, thanks. Not only do I feel less secure but the 3 seconds I save at checkout is offset by the hour I spent updating my automatic bill payments. Merck (MRK Quote - Cramer on MRK - Stock Picks) announced another 7000 layoffs and 5 factory closings. Apparently, Vioxx does kill... companies. The layoffs will save the company about $4 billion by 2010, which, adjusted for inflation, is about 15 wrongful deaths. Elsewhere in corporate "restructuring," British Airways (BAB Quote - Cramer on BAB - Stock Picks) announced layoffs, while a British panel suggested raising the retirement age, and individual investment accounts were proposed there. Isn't it cute to see our No. 1 ally join our efforts? In an unrelated penal colony development, the Australian government has decided to put roughly $30 billion in surpluses and sales into a fund for pensioners. Silly, backward country. Don't they know surpluses are for tax breaks and pensioners are for forgetting? No wonder Crocodile Dundee II stunk. On the news that Calpine (CPN Quote - Cramer on CPN - Stock Picks) fired its CEO and CFO, the company stock dropped faster than Lindsay Lohan's weight. It plummeted below the level of prime-time TV. It fell harder than an M&M Thanksgiving parade balloon. It got slammed like a WWE wrestler without a nickname. Shareholders fled like rats off a burning ship. I could go on, but my email inbox is probably already full. (Apparently the company's problem can be traced back to investors who spend too much time haranguing satirists).
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