Funny Money: MasterCard's New Master

Meanwhile, three western banks -- Goldman Sachs, Allianz and American Express -- agreed to jointly purchase 10% of the Industrial and Commercial Bank of China. They intend to share the Chinese institution "family style."

The WTO ruled that the imposition of duties on Canadian softwood lumber was not a violation of international law. The decision is seen as American payback for Canada's imposition of Celine Dion.

Elsewhere, the Brazilian economy grew 3.9% last quarter. Thankfully, Brazilian bikinis continued to shrink.

Paging Alanis Morissette

Policy makers at the Federal Reserve said that rising energy prices and an improving jobs climate could cause steeper inflation. Well, duh. Similar obvious studies indicate that the elderly take naps and fat people like pie.

Consumer confidence unexpectedly rose in August, which suggests that consumer drunkenness must also have increased -- especially when answering consumer confidence surveys.

MasterCard announced plans to sell stock, in part to pay off owner banks. The public will hold 83% of the voting rights and 100% of the irony. Perhaps the public can arbitrarily double the company's interest rate, falsely claim it was late on a payment, and sell its personal info to shucksters who call during dinner.

McDonald's named a new chief marketing officer, Mary Dillion, president of Quaker Foods. Perfect. If there's anything you associate with McDonald's, it's the wholesome, natural, homemade touch of the Quakers.

Andy Roddick lost in the first round of the U.S. Open, despite the American Express ad campaign focusing on "Andy's Mojo." The company, while putting a positive backspin on the news, is reconsidering similar campaigns like "The Wooly Mammoth's Mojo," "Good Vibes at Delta Air," and "I'm Totally Sure the Ming Dynasty Will Last Forever."

In corporate news, Tiffany & Co. announced a 53% rise in second-quarter profits, led by Japanese sales, which were themselves boosted when Godzilla popped the question to Mothra.