How to (Sniff) Be a Wine Snob

Most people serve red wine too warm or white wine too cold. Most experts agree that reds should be served between 55 and 65 degrees Fahrenheit. Whites should be served a little colder, usually around 50 degrees. A top-notch T.W.S. won't be able to tell you the wine's exact temperature, but anyone can tell the difference between warm and cool, and in the case of white wine, chilled and damn-near freezing. Adjusting the wine's temperature is easy, especially for a waiter who's embarrassed that you busted him serving a bottle that wasn't adequately prepared.

A Sublime Wine -- at $23 a Bottle

Another misperception that you should exorcise from your psyche is that the best wines are always the most expensive. When T.W.S. has someone to his home for a sip, it's natural for the guest to assume that the wine in question is a very pricey bottle, when in fact, it's probably quite inexpensive. A friend of mine invited me to her birthday celebration a few years ago at Le Bernardin, one of Manhattan's most expensive restaurants. We all ordered the tasting menu, where you're served a different glass of wine for every dish. On the final entree, we were treated to a delightful pinot noir that I loved so much I asked the sommelier for the name of it. It turned out to be Caparoso Pinot Noir (www.caparosowines.com) that retails for about $23 a bottle.

One of T.W.S.' handy tricks is to sound like he knows what he's talking about and render his knowledge with a zeal usually reserved for a sailor lamenting over the girlfriend he left in a faraway port. You can practice your own authoritative, zealous lament in front of a mirror, but it's crucial to display your acumen over the right bottle or glass of wine. I'm here to tell you, friends, that whatever it is, the color must be red. It's true that T.W.S. enjoys white wine and drinks it often, but his heart and high-brow vocabulary are reserved for the reds of the world. To become T.W.S., repeat after me: "A fabulous glass of red wine is a joy of life, right up there with $1 million in cash, great sex and early retirement."