The Five Dumbest Things on Wall Street This Week

3. Secure the Perimeter

This isn't the first time that Jean-Rene Fourtou has confused us. In fact, he's been doing it for months. So this week, we at the research lab tried to clear the matter up.

We failed.

At issue is "perimeter," a word that isn't used often in the U.S. business press but always seems to pop up when someone from Vivendi Universal starts talking about financial results and other company news.

"Due to substantial perimeter reductions, the straightforward comparisons of 2003 vs. 2002 results, on an actual basis, may not be meaningful," read VU's Sept. 24 financial results news release. "That is why the comparisons below are presented with an illustrative perimeter identical to existing fully consolidated subsidiaries."

"All potential acquirers or partners for Vivendi Universal Entertainment have made a first proposal with various perimeters, valuations and other conditions, as expected," the company said in July.

"We expect that 2002 will be a year of growth, without further change in perimeter," since-ousted Chairman Jean-Marie Messier said in a late-2001 press release announcing the deal to create Vivendi Universal Entertainment.

Upon further research, we discovered that other European companies use the p-word, too. "Changes in the Group's consolidation perimeter were an important reason for this increase in EBITDA," an executive at Electricidade de Portugal told analysts last month, according to CCBN and FDCH e-Media.

So what's a perimeter anyway? We called the International Accounting Standards Board to find out. Unfortunately, two different folks affiliated with the standards-setting group -- with a total of 45 years of international accounting between them -- said they had no clue. They'd never heard of it.

Then we called Peter Thal Larsen, U.S. media editor for the Financial Times. He'd never encountered "perimeter" either.

As far as we can figure out on our own, "perimeter" means something like "ongoing business." A change in perimeter means merger and acquisition activity -- buying or selling a business. VU's "illustrative perimeter" in our first example sounds like "pro forma results" (using the pre-Internet definition of "pro forma," yet another confusing financial term).

Of course, the sensible thing to do here would be to have someone from VU explain exactly what perimeter means. Unfortunately, the research lab's multiple emails and phone calls to VU's chief spokesman over the past two weeks have gone unanswered. If we ever manage to penetrate his perimeter, we'll let you know.

4. Won't You Be My Neighbor?

Hipster chain Urban Outfitters (URBN Quote) became the retail industry's infuriation magnet this week, thanks to a board game the company has been hawking: Ghettopoly.

Depending on your sense of humor, Ghettopoly is either a tasteless, racist version, or a postmodern parody, of the board game Monopoly. In this particular edition, you don't land on Boardwalk or Park Place; you end up at Weinstein's Gold and Platinum or Smitty's XXX Peep Show, according to the Associated Press. Instead of Chance and Community Chest cards, you have Hustle and Ghetto Stash, with news such as "You got yo whole neighborhood addicted to crack. Collect $50 from each playa."

This week, at least one protest of the game was held outside of the Philadelphia headquarters of Urban Outfitters.

Which leads us at the research lab to ask, "How dare you, Urban Outfitters? How dare you steal the patented let's-offend-people-to-get-cheap-publicity strategy of Abercrombie & Fitch (ANF Quote)?"

A&F, you'll recall, is in the business of predictable outrage, sparking it with products ranging from thong underwear for preteen girls to T-shirts incorporating a fictional, stereotypical Chinese laundry.

By the way, Ghettopoly's creator, David Chang, says on his Web site that he came to America from Taiwan at age 8. His dad, he says, "opened a 'stereotypical' Chinese restaurant." We've got a "stereotypical" response: Ghettopoly is still "childish."