The Five Dumbest Things on Wall Street This Week

1. A Sod Day for Dick Grasso

John Reed need not weep.

Yes, the former Citigroup C executive who last week was named acting head of the New York Stock Exchange will have plenty of fine candidates to choose from as he seeks a permanent successor to Dick Grasso -- he of the shiny, trapezoidal cranium.

That's what we at the research lab have decided, in the wake of the contest we announced last week: "Who Should Fill Grasso's Shoes?"

As you may recall, we asked readers for out-of-the-box suggestions as to who should take the helm at the NYSE.

Those readers didn't disappoint us.

The research lab was deluged with good ideas for who should replace Grasso -- most out of the box and a special few out of this particular solar system.

Let's take a look the candidates.

Judging from the entries, a lot of readers, when they're not thinking about Dick Grasso's successor, are thinking about Gray Davis'. We have no clue how well governor wannabe Arnold Schwarzenegger will do in next month's California gubernatorial recall ballot, but he certainly won the popular vote in the research lab's contest: Arnold garnered about 10% of write-in votes. Depending on their political leanings, our correspondents said Schwarzenegger should get the job because a) California would be rid of him or b) he could kick butt at the NYSE.

And the Winner Is ... Who will fill Dick Grasso's shoes?

Other folks suggested Davis himself for the NYSE job, suggesting he'd be unemployed awful soon. Another faction suggested former child star -- and former child -- Gary Coleman. Back when he was a member of the fictional Drummond family on "Diff'rent Strokes," writes H. Scott Elder, a simple "Whatchoo talkin' about?" from Gary was all it took to keep people in line.

Other themes:

• It takes an (alleged) crook to regulate an exchange of (alleged) crooks: Thus the nominations of Enron vets Jeff Skilling and Ken Lay, WorldCom's Bernie Ebbers, and Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia's MSO you-know-who.
• Neutralize the opposition: Nominating New York State Attorney General Eliot Spitzer, writes William A. Trent, "would provide the appearance of hiring a firm, moral leader while actually allowing the large brokerage firms comprising the board to get rid of the troublemaker."
• Find another funny-looking bald guy, preferably from outer space: Nominees include Jean-Luc Picard from Star Trek: The Next Generation (played by Patrick Stewart), the extraterrestrial E.T. and Beldar Conehead. "You still get to talk about his skull," writes Adam D. Compton, "the markets get even more bullish after being told to 'consume mass quantities' and it might even improve relations with France."
• Divvy up Grasso's responsibilities among two successors: Chris French suggests Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez, partly because since J. Lo already owns a diamond as big as the Ritz, "maybe the board won't be compelled to offer an astronomical pay package." Jon Bower suggests the magic act comprising Penn (the noisy one) & Teller (the quiet one): "A bit of flash for the cameras, sleight of hand for the politicians ... and finally, the silent treatment when the public asks, 'What are you paid?'" writes Bower.

These are all fine suggestions. But the research lab's nod goes to former Iraqi information minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, also known as Baghdad Bob: a man whose defiantly triumphant proclamations amid inevitable military defeat earlier this year earned him brief notoriety in the American media.