The Five Dumbest Things on Wall Street This Week

1. Brooking No Quarter

Every time we fish change from our pocket, we at the research lab are confronted with one of the Dumbest things in the U.S. monetary system: The 50 State Quarters Program.

OK, OK, OK. It isn't consistently Dumb -- just frequently Dumb, and horrifically so.

Some background: Over a 10-year period starting in 1999, the U.S. Mint is issuing a series of 50 variations on the quarter-dollar coin, one for each state in the union. The reverse of each coin -- you know, where the eagle usually is -- contains some artwork commemorating that particular state.

We like the idea of a quarter program. It serves as a counterbalance to the sameness of a unified national currency. It celebrates the differences among Americans, as opposed to the usual monetary practice of erasing traces of uniqueness. It's a subtle yet constant reminder that Americans don't just live in one country; they live in 50 different states.

That's the theory, at least. In practice, the 50 State Quarters Program has become a showcase for some of the ugliest art on a coin since Nero lurked on a sestertius.

Well, we're fond of some of the early designs: Continental Congressman Caesar Rodney on a horse for Delaware. The legendary Charter Oak for Connecticut. They tell you something about the state, and they're simple, uncluttered designs. Even if you don't immediately get the historical references, the artwork is striking enough to make you want to learn more about the picture's significance.

But a lot of the other coins look like they were designed the way a second-grader makes a cover page for a geography report. Have a map of the state? Glue it on there. Got a picture of the state bird? Paste it right in. State flower? State motto? Famous building? Find space for them somewhere. More is always better.