The Five Dumbest Things on Wall Street This Week

5. Battery Up!

Battery Charges What's the voltage, Gillette?

Speaking of wacky marketing, reading Gillette's (G) announcement this week about pricing for its Duracell batteries left us drained.

But instead of dwelling on the negative, as is our wont, we'll try to translate our experience into something positive, some useful child-rearing advice.

And here it is: Parents, if you don't understand a single thing your kids are telling you, perhaps they have a future in marketing batteries.

Yes, that's our conclusion after reading Duracell's "explanation" Monday of changes in battery prices. Or, to be more precise, "a price-deal realignment program in the U.S."

Duracell says its actions "will clarify the price-value relationship of our brands for consumers and provide our trade partners with a clear roadmap for managing category growth."

And how exactly does one clarify the price-value relationship of one's brands for consumers and provide one's trade partners with a clear road map for managing category growth?

In Duracell's case, they'll "lower the list prices of its best-selling AA and AAA cell sizes by approximately 13%, beginning Feb. 3. Similar pack size formats will be 'line priced' to simplify consumers' shopping experience and to facilitate value comparisons across pack sizes. For instance, a regular pack of 4 AA or AAA batteries will be offered at the same price as a regular pack of 2 C or D cells and a single pack of the 9-Volt cell."

We're sure this makes sense to someone. But not to those of us who grew up with Ernestine.

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