The Five Dumbest Things on Wall Street This Week

1. Honey, I Told You the In-Room Mini-Bar Was a Ripoff

We're feeling all warm and fuzzy inside here at the lab. And not just from the keg left over from the holiday party.

No, it's also because of Tyco International (TYC Quote). See, we read the report that outside counsel David Boies issued Monday. And bless his heart, following his research, Tyco "is not aware of any systemic or significant fraud related to the company's financial statements or of any clear accounting errors that would materially adversely affect the company's reported earnings or cash flow from operations for the year 2003 and thereafter."

Now, doesn't that restore your faith in human nature?

Of course, all those declarations of an absence of systemic, significant and material adversity doesn't mean that Boies found nothing swept under the antique rugs at the Bermuda/New Hampshire/New York-based industrial conglomerate. Because, of course, Boies did.

Yes, if your worst nightmare about accountants is that they report the truth as accurately as a 3-year-old describes human reproduction, your fears are confirmed. There are the documents devoted to "Financial Engineering." There's the presentation devoted to "aggressive" accounting, in the margins of which somebody scribbled "Be Careful!! -- I wouldn't want this to get out" and "I would strongly recommend Never to put this in writing!!"

But the most delicious part of the report was the allegation that former CEO Dennis Kozlowski had the company rent hotel accommodations for him in London at a cost of about $110,000.

Livin' It Up in London Kozlowski's 'suite' deal

Wow. $110,000 for 13 days. Let's give Mr. K. the benefit of the doubt on that one and assume Boies meant a 13-night stay, as opposed to a 13-day, 12-night sojourn on the Thames. That's $8,461 a night.

Wow again. $8,461 a night. We couldn't spend that kind of money on a hotel if we tried. Which is why, we suppose, Dennis Kozlowski made it to the top of a hotshot conglomerate and we're toiling away in the lab.

But let's try anyway. The most expensive hotel room in London, according to people who have gone looking for it, is the Royal Suite at the Lanesborough Hotel. The three-bedroom suite, favored by other famous, level-headed world travelers, such as Michael Jackson, runs about 4,500 British pounds per night. Slap on the value added tax of 17.5% and you end up at 5,288 pounds a night.

What do you get for that kind of money? Pretty much anything you might want, according to a reporter at The Observer in London. One chauffered Bentley. Two butlers. Personalized stationery. And exercise equipment delivered to your room. In other words, just the stuff that a hard-driving executive needs to clear his head.