The Five Dumbest Things on Wall Street This Week

1. Hobbit Your Way

We at the Five Dumbest Things Research Lab recognize the constitutional right of publicly traded companies to send nutty emails. But we draw the line at corporate poetry.

So imagine our outrage this week when data storage company Network Appliance NTAP sent us a rhyming message.

Perhaps our mistake was to read beyond the salutation: "Greetings Data Earth, from the Lord of the Enterprise," read the email.

But, having nothing better to do, we read on.

In the land of the enterprise, where storage continues to evolve.
One unified storage platform to rule them all,
One unified storage platform for enterprise customer needs,
One unified storage platform to bring power to all,
And simplicity to data deeds.
In the land of the enterprise, where storage continues to evolve.

Catchy, huh? And rhythmic, too!

Anyway, depending on how much time you spent reading about Frodo Baggins, the Orcs and other denizens of Middle-earth, you may recognize that NetApp's poetry is a takeoff on a prominent bit of verse in J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings trilogy. (Note to future English majors: "One ring" rolls off the tongue more easily than "One unified storage platform.")

Net Poets' Society

Indeed, it turns out that NetApp was trumpeting its affiliation with The Two Towers, the Tolkien trilogy-based movie that debuted on Wednesday. NetApp supplied storage systems used in designing and editing the movie, says NetApp spokesman Eric Brown, who conceived and wrote not only the poetry, but also a section of NetApp's Web site that fancifully describes how Middle-earth's inhabitants employ NetApp's "solutions."

Thus, should you so wish, you can learn important stuff, such as how "NetApp¿ NearStore systems keep the industrious Dwarves up and running, even in times of crisis or disaster. Mining plans, defense plans, and gold and ruby asset management systems destroyed by dragon fire or the most sinister of evil magics can be recovered in minutes."

Brown -- who says NetApp was targeting investors and reporters with the poetry, the Web site, and other PR materials and events -- is pretty happy with the wordplay he conceived.

Which reminds us. He didn't exactly say he "conceived" the Web site. Rather, he said he "concepted" it, using a verb not often heard east of Silicon Valley.