The Five Dumbest Things on Wall Street This Year

To be included on a weekly list of the Five Dumbest Things on Wall Street is an accomplishment, but to be enshrined in the yearly list requires a true gift for the imbecilic gaffe, gesture or strategy.

Any one of us, after all, can inadvertently do something that falls along the continuum from silly to downright stupid and luck into a weekly award, but can we all reach dumbness that can be immortalized each final Friday of the year?

That, my friends, takes more than dumb luck. So lean back, take a big breath, sit back up, take a swig of something strong without spilling any down your chin, then lean back down. And behold: the Five Dumbest Things of the Year on Wall Street, brought to you by the same CEOs who have maddened shareholders of Sallie Mae(SLM Quote), Countrywide(CFC Quote), Whole Foods(WFMI Quote), Citigroup(C Quote) and Cablevision(CVC Quote). May we all share in their seeping sense of accomplishment.

The List's Sweet, Sweet Lord

We were late into December, and we had no clear winner of this award. Only a few dim frontrunners had bumbled their collective way toward the finish line. Then, one of the frontrunners -- a man I have taken to calling My Sweet Lord -- finished the year with such a momentous flourish that he left the sweetly orange Angelo Mozilo choking in the dust. We will be lucky to see the likes of a such a zestfully idiotic performance again.

Ladies and gentleman, Albert L. Lord, the CEO of Sallie Mae.

My Sweet Lord launched into the fray when he blamed a half-billion-dollar profit swing on the distracting nature of buyout chatter. But he was just getting warmed up.

Next, he got himself into such a margin-call fix that he had to sell 1.2 million shares of his company stock, 90% of his total. You know what they say -- he who borrows what isn't his'n, pays it back or goes to pris'n. And Lord does not seem swift enough to keep them off him in the old prison yard.

Even stopping there, Lord would have made the yearly list, but he was not satisfied to rest on his laurels. No, after that gem, he kicked it into high gear and carved out his own place in the annals of the obtuse.

A recent conference call with analysts turned into a piece of performance art in obfuscation and offensive asides. Oh, and don't forget the cursing and threats. He told analysts that they would be put through a metal detector at an upcoming meeting -- a spokesman later disavowed this comment as a joke (Sweet Lord, stop, you're killing me). And when it was time to sign off, the Lord said: "Let's get the **** out of here." To which all of Wall Street silently responded: "Holy moly."

Dumb-o-Meter Score: 100. That's right, my Sweet Lord was granted this column's only perfect 100 score. He is our own Nadia Comaneci. Our children's children may not live to see another.