Funny Money: Three-Card Mozilo

Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.

Happy Anniversary everyone! It's been 20 years since Black Monday. One more year, we'll be able to drink. By that time, we'll need it.

Citigroup's profit dropped 57% in the third quarter. The company admitted its risk management didn't function well over the summer. Gee, ya think?

Three big banks created a new financing vehicle ostensibly to ease concerns over the shaky debt market. "Ya see, what you do is you just watch the Queen of Hearts. See the Queen? No big deal. Easy money. Watch the cards, follow the Queen, follow, follow. Oh, you lose. My name? Monte, and these are my three cards."

In a related story, the SEC is investigating Countrywide Financial CEO Angelo Mozilo for selling hundreds of millions of dollars of stock before the company plummeted. "But but but, that's what I thought we were supposed to do," he text-messaged me on his way to the undisclosed location where Ken Lay and Elvis live.

In corporate news, Apple is opening up the iPhone to outside programming, and will probably drop the price again, just to mess with people. I think the original iPhone release was just a social experiment to see what people will buy based purely on hype and cult, and how much they'll pay. Patience everyone. That's why I'm waiting to buy Google stock until it's just right.

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