Funny Money: Highly Anticipated

Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.

Apple cut the price of its iPhone by $200, and everyone who didn't think this would happen, please turn in your blinders at the nearest pet rock store. Frankly, it won't make a difference. If you can't spend $600 on a phone with poor reception that will probably be "upgraded" right after the holidays, you can't spend $400 on it either. It's simple Econ 101, or Econ 666 ... same thing.

Steve Jobs or Ben Bernanke? Who has the highest hype-to-actually-doing-anything ratio? I'll disclose the answer in a highly anticipated announcement soon. It's highly anticipated!

So did we make it a week without any Chinese product recalls? No? Dang. I'm running out of Chinese food/laundry/digging a hole to Omaha jokes...

Yes, Mattel announced its third recent recall. I get it: It's actually an elaborate game by the toy giant, an extremely involved choose-your-own-adventure called, Running Your Business Into The Ground: Vice City. Mattel is testing the beta version of the program, and they're losing. Or winning. It's not clear yet.

In the coming weeks, big banks will ask investors for billions for items like the First Data sale. "Come on, investors, you know you want some debt. Come on, it's so good. Everyone's doing it, and if it goes bad, it's not like you'll lose your home. You'll just have to hire a politician to bail you out."

In a related story, congressional leaders are pushing to tighten loan rules. Improving education so there are better-informed, less-vulnerable consumers? Not so much.