Bank Stories Fall Into Predictable Categories

Writing and reporting on Wall Street firms in these troubled recent days have generally fallen into one of several categories -- all lame. But understanding the categories, by looking at those we have seen and will soon see, can help you accurately gauge what might happen to these reeling behemoths, which has become the financial parlor game of the age.

The first category is one The Business Press Maven calls "Now You Tell Us." It is epitomized by an article in this morning's Wall Street Journal titled: "In Citi Shake-Up, Broader Troubles." You don't say. But talk about news coming better late than never. And if this is merely a shake-up, by the way, The Business Press Maven is the Queen of Sheeba. But I digress.

Then there is the category that must be dubbed "Firm Grasp of the Obvious." Its standard bearer is a Forbes effort, "Another Wall Street Chief Falls." It's essentially your boilerplate summary of the disaster that is taking place, from the monstrously large write-offs to the CEOs falling like leaves. Or The New York Times with: "Fixing Citigroup Will Test Rubin." Uh, I'll say. Nothing risked, nothing added.

Thrown in for good measure is a comparison category, which points out how goofy the business media can be, why you should never rely on one article and how, even in disgrace, an incompetent CEO forced to walk the plank can save face.