Affordable Treasures

Return to Article

When Should 'My' Money Become 'Ours'?

Lauren Tara LaCapra

"Money definitely was not discussed before we moved in together," says Hempelman, a 23-year-old office manager in Edison, N.J. "Joe moved into an apartment I had with a girl friend because of sudden problems at his home. Neither of us were prepared, and it took a few years to get a system."

Since then, the couple has devised a strategy: They split rent and living expenses roughly 50/50 and help each other out when circumstances warrant. They have weathered several financial storms, ranging from minor ones like grocery and utility bills, to major ones, like unexpected medical costs Bello incurred for multiple surgeries over the past year.

Their latest quandary is whether to open a joint bank account.

Bello, a 25-year-old truck driver who earns about $13,000 a year more than his girlfriend, is "all for a joint account," says Hempelman. She's less sure.

"What if I want a new purse this month? Do I have to ask Joe for permission because it is now 'our' money?" she asks. "Now I just worry about my own spending habits and how it affects me. With a joint account, I will have to rethink every purchase to make sure it won't mess Joe's finances up."

These are the kinds of questions every young couple faces if they stay together long enough: When do we combine finances and how do we split the bills?

It's a delicate balance, weighing trust and companionship on one end and independence and sensibility on the other. Some want transparency in all aspects of the relationship, including the credit-card statements and checking account. Others have been burned by past breakup experiences and don't want to tangle up their money with another beau's.

There's no hard-and-fast rule that works best for every love nest, but couples should discuss their financial situation -- and expectations -- before moving in together. The strategy can move along with the relationship, as salaries and living expenses change.

"Money is one of the key reasons that people split up," says Loreine Smith, founder of Dallas-based financial planning firm Life Plan Strategies. "The key is to have a dialogue before you have a problem."

Individual accounts work out better in many cases for those who are not yet married. It allows partners to maintain some level of independence until their lives and finances are completely intertwined.

Devon Bergman learned that lesson the hard way. He opened a joint account with a girlfriend back in college and says he won't do it again until he gets married.

"We did the joint account way too early, and it was messy to clean up after the relationship ended," Bergman says. "It added a burden to the relationship. Everything that was spent was questioned, and when it was time to pay bills, we didn't split things in a way that made sense."

The 27-year-old marketing manager lives with another partner now in San Francisco. Bergman earns about three times her salary, and the two split rent and utilities in a proportionate way. She pays for groceries, while he foots the bill for expensive dinners and wine.

If they do decide to tie the knot one day, the couple has agreed to maintain separate accounts as well as a joint one.

"If I want to go out and buy a new gadget or instrument," he says, "it would come out of my account, not the mutual account."

Still, it's important to open up your finances when committing to marriage, says Vincent Barbera, director of financial planning at TGS Financial Advisors. He suggests couples open a joint account six months before the wedding and put all the gift money into it once the knot is tied. He also says couples should "put everything out on the table" -- credit cards, loans, salary and assets -- way before setting a date.

"Money can be a difficult thing when you're married if you're not open about it from the start," he says. "Immediately there's a wall being put up if you're unwilling to share information."

When it comes to the bills, some cohabitating couples split them down the middle, regardless of income or consumption. Others, like Bergman and his girlfriend, divide costs relative to salary -- though arguments often occur when one partner thinks the other isn't pulling his or her weight.

Libby Haydel and Bo Booty have been dating for over six years, and started living together about a year ago in Baton Rouge, La. Though Haydel says that Booty, a civil engineer, makes "a good bit more" than she does, they split the rent and utilities down the middle. The equation evens out because he pays for vacations and dining out.

However, food shopping has become a sore subject.

"Grocery shopping can get to be tit-for-tat sometimes," says Haydel, a 27-year-old magazine editor. "I feel really stingy -- we ended up having an argument over me buying ground meat for dinner. I'm like, 'I bought the chicken last night!'"

In other cases, the opposite issue comes up.

R. Scott Wells and his girlfriend Liz once shared costs equally, but now he pays for nearly everything because he earns a good deal more. Now Liz feels like a burden.

"She's used to being very independent, so I think it's been tough for her to have me buy her stuff and pay bills," says Wells. "We also have different money styles -- she's more of a saver and I like to spend," he later adds.

The couple recently had a discussion so that each could understand where the other was coming from, even if it didn't resolve the situation entirely.

"Communication is key," says Wells. "You might not always see eye to eye, but making the effort is important."