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Funny Money: Private Eyes ... Who's Watching?

Jeff Kreisler

I'm having a bit of an identity crisis this week. First came word that Kreisler Manufacturing Corp.'s third-quarter profit was below expectations, prompting my editor to ask if I wasn't really the scion of the metals manufacturer, which prompted me to ask them the same, which, of course, led to the restraining order.

Second was the bigger news of the company I'd always considered my namesake, at least phonetically. Chrysler and Daimler have split up. I never liked it when Mommy and Daddy fought, and I guess they won't anymore. It's a corporate divorce, and while they'll divvy up the house and kids and alimony, it's sad that neither one wants the car.

Dieter Zetsche -- the mustachioed guy who ran Daimler and moonlighted as Wilfred Brimley's stand-in -- said the decision was "emotionally a very tough process for me." Not as much as it was for me, Jeff Kreisler! Daimler took a chance on a poor schlub of a company from the wrong side of the tracks, and now it's over. I've lost my synergy.

Zetsche said Daimler will revert to selling just Mercedes-Benz cars and trucks. He sighed, twisting his grey lip fur: "If we have to make a fortune only exploiting the superficial needs of the wealthy, we will."

Chrysler was bought by Cerberus Capital Management, the private-equity firm. The purchase is a bold new step for private equity in general. One quick question: Why is it called "private equity"? Why not just "money"?

In related news, Bausch & Lomb agreed to a $4.5 billion private buyout. Now even producers of dangerous eye drops are private. What's next, KKR buying Faulty Wiring & Oily Rags in the Basement, Inc.?

Private equity's growth has been driven by the funds of pensions and workers. Cool, pensions paying to break up unions. I like it.

Actually, Ron Gettelfinger, head of the UAW, said he had no problem with the deal, but he did need help loading several canvas bags marked with dollar signs onto a chartered flight to Fiji.

Daimler and Cerberus both pledged to invest $1.2 billion in Chrysler's pension fund, adding, "As far as you know." No, no, no, they'll invest in the pension, and then the pension will invest in remodeling their Italian villas. Synergy restored.

Side note: Normally American companies rid themselves of foreign failures. Is this reverse trend a sign of trouble, should we be concerned about... Hey! What happened last night on Grey's Anatomy?

Speaking of TV, broadcast networks had their upfronts this week. Once again, Jeff Kreisler: Guy With no Purpose was not picked up. Come on, TV! It's a can't-miss reality-crime-comedy-infotainment-celebrity-self-improvement-trivia-game-drama. Kids will love it.

Meanwhile, the AFL-CIO asked the SEC to delay a planned $4 billion IPO from the Blackstone Group, saying the private-equity colossus should have to register and be regulated as an investment company. The SEC responded by saying, "AFL-what, CI-who? Never heard of 'em."

In other news... Paul Wolfowitz is leaving the World Bank. He said he's excited to spend more time haunting the dreams of little Dutch children.

In a sign of social progress, Michael Baroody, nominee to lead the Consumer Product Safety Commission (CPSC), received a $150,000 departing payment from his former employer, the National Association of Manufacturers, members of whom are -- or, rather, were -- the CPSC's targets... Remember when parting gifts were just like wine or a board game? We've come so far.

New York State has filed suit against Dell for failing to provide adequate customer support. I dunno, every time Dell Financial Services has called my house during dinner to try to phish for my credit information, they've been quite supportive of my request to "stick their exploding batteries where the sun don't shine."

Meanwhile, Hewlett-Packard reported strong earnings after raising the cost of replacement printer ink to $32 million a cartridge and announcing a deal to license its pretexting technology. Jerks.

Thomson bought Reuters for $17.2 billion. More big buying big. Reminds me of when T-Rex was bought by Brontosaurus Equity Partners using leveraged debt and meteor avoidance technology. Hope this era turns out the same!!

Amazon.com will begin offering music without copy-protection. Oh good, I was so tired of people making money off their creations. It'll be so much better when only trust-funders can be artists. Really, we don't have enough music about partying, superficiality, and BMWs. Really. We don't.

In a related story, Americans buy more clothes online now. The risk of ordering the wrong size has diminished since everyone now fits one size: Tarp.

In other dot.com developments, several states have accused News Corp.'s MySpace unit of failing to protect children from sex offenders. Personally, I blame the parents. Specifically, the parents of Tom, who created MySpace, thereby inventing sin. Jerk.

To protect those children serving in the armed forces, the government has prohibited service members from using MySpace and YouTube. Sure, wouldn't want them to see how little attention we're paying to their plight, or to watch videos of what they're really fighting for. Cats playing piano! To arms!!

Two Siemens execs were found guilty of bribery by a German court. Hey, corruption is an American thing. I guess before Daimler dumped us, we tainted their bloodline. Who's impure now, Germany?

Dubai International became one of the largest shareholders of Deutsche Bank this week. What? Dubai has control of our Germans! Outrageous.

Shareholders at AMR voted against restricting executive pay. Is it possible that large blocks of shares are controlled by groups and funds that include CEOs at other companies who may not want to set a precedent? Or am I just bitter again because I live in Queens with my clean, unsexy, no-money?

A study by the McKinsey Global Institute said that energy standards will be needed to create new environmentally sound products. Hmm, the free market does not provide incentives to create public goods that have limited profit potential. Hey, McKinsey Group, why do you hate freedom?