Business Etiquette Update

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How to Appease Your Boss-God

Lisa Latham

In recent articles, Miss Conduct discussed the business etiquette of how to treat people as if they were your bosses, then gave an overview of how to treat your real bosses as if they were gods.

So now it's time to look at business etiquette where the rubber meets the road -- or where the sacrifice hits the altar, in this case.

How do you get your boss to be aligned with your goals, for instance? Indeed, how do you get your boss to do anything?

Like a supplicant before an angry god, when you want something from your boss, you have to make him want it, too. You need to think like a master waiter who keeps careful note of his customers' favorite wines and dishes. When it's time to recommend a great meal for a very special customer on a significant occasion -- or a supplicant choosing the very tastiest goat to sacrifice to the gods -- it's important to set the table for your guest's comfort, choose the menu to appeal his tastes, then give your steak some sizzle.

Set the Scene

If you want your boss to want what you want, choose the best time of day and the best locale to get his undivided attention.

If you're a lowly researcher and the boss is a distant vision in the corner office (a.k.a. Mount Olympus), try to snag a few moments when he's relaxed. Even if you have to wait next to the Up button from noon to 1 p.m. in order to snag a few moments alone in the elevator coming back from lunch, it's worth the investment. If you're in a position to ask him out to lunch yourself, reserve a table somewhere he will appreciate.

Formulate Your Appeal

A good waiter caters to his best customers' every whim -- but also has to steer the diner around inconvenient facts, such as when the kitchen's fresh out of goat. Similarly, as a supplicant to your angry god, you have formulate your request based on your boss' traits, not your ideals.

If you want him to do something, it's his emotional needs to consider, not yours. Do not fall into the trap of what your boss "should" do; begin instead with what he does naturally. If he prefers rabbit to steak, bring on Bugs Bunny.

Make the Steak Sizzle

If we intersect our dining and sacrificial metaphors, whatever we present to the boss-god is our burnt offering -- like a really fine steak. Here I'm calling it a sacrifice, but it needn't be an onerous one.

Whether you're offering extra hours on evenings and weekends to complete a project in record time, a new idea to make the company more profits or just a stick of your boss's favorite gum, the gift needs to shine somehow. Luckily, it takes nothing more to enhance whatever you're offering than a good story. If you can use words to paint images that appeal to your boss's favorite senses as you do, so much the better. In any case, making an emotional connection is the final step in any sales process, to close the deal.

Now that we know the game, it's time to meet the players. Which god are you praying to?

The Four Office Boss-Gods

Like favorite flavors, everyone chooses favorite emotional needs from a menu of four basic elements: dominance, sociability, patience and formality.

Zeus the Domineering: If your boss has a palpable need to dominate (and most bosses do), think of him as Zeus, ruler of Mount Olympus. This is the most common kind of boss because they're so, well, bossy. He lords it over the other gods, meddles in the lives of mortals and generally wreaks havoc. (Other than that, he's perfect, as are all bosses -- that's Miss Conduct's story and she's sticking to it.) In restaurant terms, he's a tough customer.

If you have a Zeus boss, don't try to fight his stormy nature -- you could get hurt by a stray lightning bolt. Instead, set your table someplace where you can catch him when his energy is low, like at the end of a friendly golf game, after a heavy meal or whenever he's more relaxed. Since he'll only be appeased by the best of the best, try to make an offering that caters to him as a connoisseur, whether it's a gourmet meal or just an article about the best new equipment for his favorite sport. Then, submit your appeal in terms of how your work can best serve his goals.

Mercury the Communicator: Another great proportion of bosses are more like Mercury, a friendly god who craves social contact and constant communication. He zips around, fast as light, making connections where none were seen before; he's opportunistic and an excellent negotiator.

So if it's sociability your boss craves, set your table someplace raucous or with lots of tech appeal. Pitch what you want as a relationship-builder, told in an engaging story that emphasizes your idea's crossover appeal. Make offerings that cross borders or speed up your company's process.

Hephaestus the Patient One: If it's God-of-the-Forge patience your boss values, he's a rare breed. Couch your ambitions in long-term plans and payoffs: Catch him in a quiet pace, entreat him with something that grows, and the more your offerings emphasize keeping your nose to the grindstone, the better. A word of caution: patient bosses can outlast all but the most committed employees, so take a deep breath and allow them to make decisions at their own glacial pace.

Apollo the Systematic: If it's detail and tradition that fascinate your boss, detail your plans exhaustively and emphasize the ways that your plan conforms to established rules and procedures. This consummate organization man prefers formal settings, like exclusive clubs. His favorite gifts are status symbols, from just the right tie or single-malt Scotch, to employing whatever methods are endorsed by the most time-honored institutions.

In the end, the success of any effort to persuade your boss must be measured in terms of how well it connects you to him. The good news is, even if you don't get your way, the efforts you make to cater to his preferences will always pay off.