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Funny Money: Hard Times & Hard Candy

Jeff Kreisler

Bank of America's CEO posted a $91 million gain from stock awards in 2006, forcing Vegas to increase the over/under on weeks until a BOA restatement to 13.

A former Citibank employee was sentenced to 15 months for fabricating profits to get a $200,000 bonus. Umm, $200,000? What was he, a janitor? Most bank execs fabricate $200,000 in their sleep. Come on, pal. If you'd done a $10 million, $20 million or $30 million job, I'm sure you would've gotten off.

A grand jury issued a subpoena over Costco's options practice. It was 200,000 pages long and came with a barrel of mayonnaise.

Speaking of huge, the mammoth Airbus A380 arrived in America! Hooray! Captain Leonardo DiCaprio piloted the hubris, err, the plane, into space port, err, Kennedy on Monday. The giant jet faces a major hurdle finding U.S. purchasers, because, although it can fit 555 passengers, that translates into only about 12 Americans. (I'm writing this in one of O'Hare's 537 airport food courts right now. Don't tell me we're not all lard butts).

Emirates Airlines has actually ordered the most A380s, 43, but that's just so Halliburton can ship all the gold in Fort Knox to Dubai.

Conrad Black's trial began with a fun episode when his wife called reporters "vermin" and "sluts." That may be true, but it's not the best strategy. "Ladies of questionable morals" is the legal term. Of course, every report of the outburst wasted space describing Mrs. Black's outfit, so the "vermin" part fits just fine.

In Wal-Mart's legal battle with Julie Roehm, the company said: "Instead of working solely in Wal-Mart's interest, (she) frequently put her own first." Then it added, "We must assimilate all to The Borg."

The company claims Roehm had an affair with Sean Womack, based upon evidence provided by Womack's ex-wife. Oh, his ex-wife. Good, she's a totally impartial source of information. I guess they couldn't get testimony from the ants he'd torture with a magnifying glass as a child. The evidence in question was a series of emails that never actually describe a sexual relationship, but "the meaning becomes entirely clear." As someone who's frequently thought the meaning of emails from women was "entirely clear," allow me to say "No." They should probably just remain friends, she doesn't want to complicate anything, and now she's dating my roommate.

Plaintiffs against Enron's financial advisors were denied class action status because an appeal court in New Orleans hates freedom.

LID, a diamond seller, filed for Chapter 11 Bankruptcy. Ironically, Leonardo DiCaprio also played a role in this. You know, Blood Diamond. That handsome devil's got more economic sway than Bernanke. Then again, so does an old photo of Alan Greenspan.

Beef prices may be on the rise, meaning we'll have to find a cheaper way to assert our dominance while giving ourselves avoidable health problems. I'm thinking base-jumping into piles of quail eggs.

That big pet food scare this week? Also part of the plan to remind the planet who's boss.

In corporate news, Oracle's profits were larger than expected, meaning, once again, that the Oracle's oracle was wrong. Sacrifice another goat!

Blockbuster's CEO John Antioco will step down after a two-year battle over late fees on his copy of Gigli.

Triad Hospitals was bought by Community Health Systems, creating the largest publicly traded U.S. hospital chain. Ahhh, publicly held hospitals. I can't wait until shareholders oust the board because they're spending too much on gauze or keep letting those pesky poor people live.

Shares of AtheroGenics, partnered with AstraZeneca, fell sharply after 300 bravely defiant Spartans held off their drug trial.

In a related story, states are requiring drug makers to disclose their payments to doctors, prompting me to ask: "Why do you hate freedom?"

Speaking of which, MySpace users are upset because the company is imposing restrictions on third-party software programs that "cut down our freedom and take away our rights." The freedoms and rights on a poorly designed Web site? To arms! Guantanamo Bay and the Patriot Act? Eh. Seriously kids, stop worrying so much about getting music and videos and pictures of naked ladies, and start worrying about the end of the world. No more innocence! And, another thing: Stay away from my hard candy. Harrumph.

JetBlue cut its forecast for 2007 profits and blamed the weather, because it's been too long to still blame Katrina.

Applebee's is closing 24 restaurants. But where will I go on cheap first dates?

Claire's, maker of costume jewelry, will be bought by Apollo Management. Fake adornments for beauty, private equity, and 40-year-old space references. That's all we have left.

Starbucks signed former Beatle Paul McCartney to an exclusive music deal. Money can't buy him love, but it can buy him an ex-wife in a dancing show and a deal helping a corporate drug pusher. So that's cool.

Starbucks has a record label? Remember when Startbucks just made coffee? And MTV just played videos? And only white men voted? What's next, MTV sells coffee so that women can vote? I said, stay away from my hard candy.

Sorry, traveling through the country always makes me critical of it. I know that's wrong. I know I should be happy that we're all going to hell. I'm just stubborn.