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Jim Cramer's Pool

Doug Kass

By next week, I will have completed five years on The Edge (six years if you include my RealMoolah gig). That's a long time.

I actually started out writing on TheStreet.com back in the late 1990s when I penned The Contrarian column. At that time, the site was a new concept and a real-time experiment that struggled in its infancy, but it began to flourish even as the economy suffered in 2001.

Since I started writing on a consistent basis six years ago, we have not only dealt with the market's ups and downs, but we have shared some of life's experiences together -- through visits, emails, telephone conversations and other personal correspondences. Happily, over the last six years, I have met numerous new friends (virtually and in person) from my experience as a member of TheStreet.com community.

We have all experienced some terribly emotional times, most notably the tragedy of Sept. 11, 2001, and the loss of contributor Bill "Budman" Meehan. Over time, as painful as that period was, we recovered. And life went on.

As I mention annually, a few paragraphs could not possibly communicate the warm feelings I have about many of my acquired relationships -- with subscribers, with contributors, with editors and with the management of TheStreet.com.

Two years ago I initiated something different in order to express my sincere thanks and wish everyone a wonderful holiday season in my own special way. This morning, as I now do on an annual basis, I offer you the following (updated) parody of Dr. Seuss' McElligot's Pool.

This is my Christmas and Chanukah present to all of you, and it honors someone who has had a remarkable encore performance in 2006 -- Jim "El Capitan" Cramer. In 2006, we saw the continued enormous success of Cramerica. Jim hit, for the second consecutive year, 70 homeruns in 2006 with his book Jim Cramer's Real Money: Sane Investing in an Insane World and batted .400 with his newest book, Jim Cramer's Mad Money: Watch TV, Get Rich, as he continued to capture investors' attention with his enormously popular CNBC show "Mad Money."

Jim is the lifeblood of TheStreet.com and its sister sites, RealMoolah and Street Insight.

In a brief year and a half, the man who doesn't want to make friends but does want to make you money has introduced the words "skidaddy" and "booyah" and made them part of the investment world's vernacular. He has graced the cover of national magazines and has become a household name.

Over the past several years, in numerous emails, telephone calls and one-on-one meetings (on and off the set!), I have learned to appreciate Jim as an investment professional and, more importantly, as a man. Invariably, the weekend after I publish this tribute to Jim, he tells me that he has read this poem to his two daughters at bedtime -- which makes me very happy and makes my gig on Street Insight all worthwhile.

To turn Gertrude Stein's words around, in Jimmy "there is a lot of there, there." So from the Anti-Cramer to the real Cramer, this Bud's for you, Jimmy.

Before this year's version of Jim Cramer's Pool, I wanted to close by wishing our subscribers, editors, technicians, management and fellow contributors a Merry Christmas, a Happy Chanukah and a healthy New Year.

And I wanted to thank you for granting me this wonderful platform to present my ideas and logic -- as distorted as they might seem at times.

Now to Jim Cramer's Pool!

It all started in June 1996, in a building on Wall Street ... far, far away.

"Young man," exclaimed the analyst,
"You're sort of a fright!
You'll never catch winners
On Jim Cramer's site!"

"The site is too small.
And, you might as well know it,
When brokers sell junk
Here's the place that they throw it.

"You might catch a Tyco
Or you might catch an Enron.
Even a Calpine
Oh no -- not Conseco!

But listen, young man.
If you sat 50 years
With your worms and your wishes
You'd grow a long beard
Long before you'd catch winners!"

"Hmmm ..." answered Cramer,
"It may be you're right.
I've written for hours
Without one single bite.

"There might be no winners.
But, again,
Well, there might!"
'Cause you never can tell
What goes on over time!
"This site might be bigger
Than you or I find!"

This might be a site, like I've read of in textbooks,
Connected to one of those underground brooks!
An underground river that starts here and flows
Right under 14 Wall! And then ... well, who knows?
It might keep going along, down where no one can see,
Right under the State Highway Two-Thousand-and-Three!

Right under the buildings! Right under the toes
Of Rob Martorana, who's hanging out clothes!
It might keep on flowing ... perhaps, who can tell?
Right under the people in Tom Clarke's hotel!
Right under Morgan Stanley, where they're playing croquet!
Then under the mountains and far, far away!

This might be a river,
Now mightn't it be,
Connecting Jim Cramer's site with the sea!
Then maybe some winners might be swimming toward me.
(If such things could be,
They certainly would be!)

Some very smart strategists might point out the way
To the site where I'm fishing. And that's why I say
If you wait long enough; if you're patient and bright,
Who knows what you'll catch on Jim Cramer's site?!

You might catch a Gillespie
You might catch some Stavetski
You might catch a Faulkner
Or a long, long drawn-out fish!
Any kind! Any shape! Any color or size!
You might catch some winners that would open your eyes!

I won't be surprised if a Bagley appears!
Complete with a collar and long floppy ears!
Whoofing along! And perhaps we might chase
A whole lot of Atayan right straight to this place!

You might catch a Dvorchak
With a precision-like tail!
You might catch Scotty
Who makes portfolios sail!

You might catch some Meisler
Who's a high-stepping winner.
You might catch an Angela
That's Angela -- my editor!

You might catch a Birenberg
With that incredible pen
For producing the models
That winners portend.

You might catch a Perkins
An O'Connor or a Sharty
Or even a Strazzullo
Who is really sporty!

You might catch an Arnold
Now mightn't you now...?!
You might catch an Au
Whose ideas pay for my chow.

Some fish from L.A.,
Like Kahn Man -- so hot,
Might decide to sign up!
Well they might ... might they not?

Or racing up north for a chance to get right,
Full steam ahead for Jim Cramer's site
Some lucrative winners
Like the Johnsons -- there's three!
From beyond Hudson Bay
Might decide to swim down,
Might be headed Jim's way!
It's a pretty long trip,
But they might
And they may.

You might catch one of three Thomases
Well, you might. It depends.
A long twisting short-selling Laudani
With a lot of strange bends
And, oddly enough,
With a pen on both ends!

One doesn't catch this kind of winner as a rule,
But the chances are fine in Jim Cramer's pool!
You might find some Morrow (that's Gary!)
An observer with muscle,
Might grab at your bait,
Then would you have a tussle!

To land one so valuable might take two or three hours,
But the next might be easy...
Like Fields, who likes flowers.
Or you might catch a winner
From a stranger place yet!
Like Edmonds from the world's highest river,
In far-off Tibet.

You might catch a Latwis
And a biggie named Crescenzi
Both spouting their spouts
And all earning a bounty.

You'll probably catch many more writers
Like Arnold and Martin
And, oh by the way,
Did I mention Vasu Vijayraghavan?

Then you'll stop for the day
'Cause there's nothing that's bigger
Than Jim's site, so they say.
Still, of course,
It might be...
That there is something bigger!
Someone like "The Other" Smith
A Thing-A-Ma-Jigger!

Gary's a technician so big, if you know what I mean,
That he makes a whale look like a tiny sardine!
Oh, the site is full of a number of newbies,
Like Stein, Martin, Oliensis and Fuchs
If a subscriber is patient,
He might get many more winners!
And that's why I think
That we are all really bright
As we sit here and read
On Jim Cramer's site!