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Funny Money: Bernanke's Chin

Jeff Kreisler

The FOMC meeting was big news this week, and Ben Bernanke showed a different style from Alan Greenspan, that's for sure. After he announced rate hikes, Bernanke patted us on head, offered us a snack and rubbed us with his furry chin. Hey, that tickles!

Bernanke's also got different code words. Instead of things like "weak consumption" or "await more data," he says stuff like "Run for it!" "Sell everything!" and "Holy crap, we're screwed!" At least that's what I hear.

Speaking of which, the price of gold is soaring, as are the prices of pacifiers, security blankets and escapist melodrama. I have no money, but what the heck is Lindsay Lohan wearing?

In a tough week for tech stocks, Apple won its battle with the Beatles by convincing a London court that iTunes is not a music label but merely a data-transmission service. Ah, yes, kids today, dancing to their data transmissions, covering their bodies with ink infusions and metallic insertions. When will they learn?

In a somewhat-related story, Time Warner announced that it would make content available using BitTorrent software, the basis of millions of illegal downloads. First Napster, now BitTorrent? Everyone's co-opting illegal things for legitimate uses! What's next? Cocaine to solve jigsaw puzzles? Heroin to cure ADD? Parking in front a hydrant to prevent fires? When will it end?!

Separately, Microsoft announced a vision of the world where video-game players are connected at all times by Xboxes, PCs and cell phones. Said Bill Gates: "The future is making gaming attractive to people of all ages" because the future is simultaneously making reality grossly repellent. Bill Gates, crack dealer of the future.

Dell's first-quarter profits missed its forecast. Shoulda got the "soft bigotry of low expectations," dude.

AOL fired 1,300 people at its call centers. Ding! You got hosed! (Here, take this complimentary CD with you.)

Elsewhere, Whirlpool will eliminate 4,500 jobs, mostly from the remnants of its takeover of Maytag, whose repairmen really shouldn't have bragged about not working.

Delta folded its discount carrier Song back into the main airline, which is a tough blow for the seven people who ever flew Song.

In a related story, the U.S. government is auctioning off frequencies for in-flight Internet use. Sweet. Now I can download video of crying babies, email the fat guy next to me and get "real time" turbulence.

In M&A news, Wachovia's CEO, Kenneth Thompson, said the bank's acquisition of Golden West Financial was "a dream come true." Other dreams of this executive-who-clearly-had-no-childhood: using accrual-based accounting, getting free TurboTax and foreclosing on his grandparents' farm.

Teck Cominco's offer for Inco clouded Inco's bid to acquire Falconbridge and made me wonder if there were enough super-accountants left at the Hall of Justice to battle all these villainous names! Actuarial Man, we need you!! (I bet Kenneth Thompson was a big fan of Actuarial Man as a kid.)

Meanwhile, Rolling Rock is close to being acquired by Anheuser-Busch in an attempt to create the world's first water-only beer. (The "33" stands for how many you have to drink until you taste it.)

Misunderstanding Economics

The SEC accused Morgan Stanley of destroying at least 200,000 emails, but don't worry, the NSA has copies of them all.

SGI, the Hollywood special-effects pioneer, filed for bankruptcy, but right after doing so, a velociraptor transmorphed out of an alien hovercraft into a wall of talking water that punched Tom Cruise in the face. Oh, and it got SGI out of bankruptcy.

Toyota reported higher earnings this week, a 17% jump in profit, prompting U.S. automakers to wonder what part of "automaker" Toyota doesn't understand. The U.S. auto industry: We don't make money, we make mistakes.

Federated Department Stores lost $52 million last quarter. Said its government namesake, "$52 million? What's that, an hour's worth of oil subsidy? Puh-leeeeze."

Cablevision announced that its first-quarter losses narrowed. Hooray! Less loss! What a great standard! That's almost as good as "not totally sucking!"

Fox News helped push up News Corp.'s earnings. We Report, You Decide, They Get Rich.

Northrop Grumman, the world's largest builder of warships, is seeking $200 million in government aid to recover from Hurricane Katrina. Apparently, they can't stand it when their warships are destroyed by anything other than their warships. Go fight the hurricanes, Northrop, before I declare war on idiocy.

More potentially blinding infections from Bausch & Lomb's ReNu lens cleaners were reported this week. It's just natural selection, people. Certain mammals stare at computers all day and require contact lenses; then they are eliminated if they're not able to adapt to disease. Besides, we'll all be back underwater soon, anyway, so what's the big deal?

It's clear that America is hesitant to accuse China of manipulating currency because China owns all of America's currency. Awwwwkward.

Finally, Saudi Arabia is considering an IPO of its stock exchange, and the Nasdaq increased its stake in the London Stock Exchange. Markets selling markets to markets? OK, so if China owns U.S. debt, and a U.S. market invests in a London one, and the U.S. buys Saudi Arabia's oil, and Saudi Arabia's market is sold to, say, China ... does that mean Chinese oil will be refined in London? I don't understand economics at all.