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Funny Money: The Devil Serves Decaf

Jeff Kreisler

Big news this week: Ben Bernanke gave his first address to Congress, and his nostrils only emitted tiny puffs of sulfurous soot -- but let's give him time. It was cute, though, when he asked a congressman to "kneel before Zod."

Speaking of Congress, the government may let the oil and gas industry, a.k.a. The Sisters of The Poor, pump gas from Federal lands without paying $7 billion in royalties. Ooops.

We're losing out on royalties. Oil companies have become Napster. And we, the citizens, are Metallica. Several lawmakers criticized the royalty giveaway, adding, "Tssk, tssk. If we'd known this could happen, we would've actually read the legislation."

Republican members of Congress in particular are scrambling to lessen the damage, having adopted the Big Pharma motto we discussed last week: Making it bad, so we can make it better.

In a related story, the U.S. Senate killed a bill to create a $140 billion fund for asbestos victims, because that money is needed by the oil industry.

Speaking of which, Americans shortchanged the government by $345 billion in 2001, or what Exxon calls "petty cash." Two new studies showed that tax cheating is on the rise, but the studies don't include corporations. That's like cataloging the oldest musicians without the Rolling Stones, or being political pawns in a chess match that we're all gonna lose. Dang. Checkmate.

In other political developments, a House subcommittee told Internet providers that their cooperation with the Chinese government was "sickening" and "decapitating the voice of dissidents." Furthermore, the subcommittee said, censorship and government propaganda must be "Fair and Balanced."

Keenly sensing how the political winds are blowing, Yahoo! said we should resist censorship. Yes, leave it to the "marketplace of ideas" so that power will rest where it really belongs, in the hands of the publicists.

To watch Jeff Kreisler's video take of this column, please click here.

In corporate news, Warren Buffett said he's leaving the board of Coca-Cola, having had all he needed to wash down his cheeseburger in paradise. No truth to the rumor that he's going to join Pepsico "because they're brown and bubbly, just like me."

Buffett buddy Bill Gates made $300 million last week by selling some Microsoft shares and introducing a new operating system whereby he simply takes your wallet and punches you in the face.

Meanwhile, the new boss at Toys 'R' Us outlined the company's strategy, which includes diversification, cross-marketing, and rediscovering lost innocence via a steady diet of mind-numbing, government-approved pharmaceuticals. Ooooh, look at the shiny toy.

Speaking of drugs, Genentech introduced a new treatment for cancer which costs $100,000 year. It's so expensive because the company bet Wayne Gretsky's wife it can out-gouge Exxon.

It was widely reported that Carl Icahn increased his stake in ImClone Systems. Glad we're being kept informed of his every move. Let me know when he's scratching his behind, so I'll know when to scratch mine.

CBS chief Sumner Redstone's son is suing him, and the network hopes to copy the success of Fox TV's hit, The Murdoch Family Circus.

Starbucks stock fell 2.6%, prompting a bellowing voice to intone: "Fine. Enjoy our new triple mocha latte -- because unless our stock rises, we won't provide the antidote. You'll caffeinate in hell!!!"

Former HealthSouth CEO Richard Scrushy asked a judge to throw out the case against him since his lawyers were tricked into revealing his strategy, which happens to be "get tricked into revealing my strategy then ask judge to throw out the case."

In other scandal news, Refco was accused of operating a Ponzi scheme, which means it hung around Arnold's drive-in with Ralph Malph and Ritchie Cunningham. Lawyers admit it might only be a Chachi situation or a Mr. C. scenario.

Finally, a new outsourcing study suggests that high-level jobs will soon leave to countries with better education systems. They may be smarter, but we'll always be the best eaters! No one out-fats us! U.S.A! U.S.A!