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Funny Money: The Price of Leadership

Jeff Kreisler

Time Warner (TWX Quote - Cramer on TWX - Stock Picks) named Jeff Bewkes as its new president and COO this week. In a related story, Carl Icahn got a new voodoo doll.

Icahn reportedly wants to replace the Wizard in the land of Oz. He'd have told Dorothy to split up her shoes and sell them as separate units of a "go home" enterprise.

News Corp. gave its TV chief, Roger Ailes, a new $25 million contract, proving, yet again, that no one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American people. I think PT Barnum said that when he launched the Fox Circus Channel. We stuff clowns into a car. You decide.

Other executives in the news this week included John Mack, who seems to be turning around Morgan Stanley. Many of us were wrong about you, Mr. Mack. I look forward to reading your company's eventual earnings restatement, the SEC's complaint, and the details of your unreasonable severance package. I'm thinking April. Is April good for you?

Elsewhere, W. Alan McCollough announced plans to retire as CEO of Circuit City after a very mixed tenure as head of the electronics retailer. Current President Philip J. Schoonover was named as his replacement. Honestly though, they just need employees who don't think the answer to "Does this work on a Mac?" is "Shut up and pay."

In related news, the U.S. Senate approved the transition from analog to digital television, a.k.a. the "Blatant and Unnecessary Support of Circuit City Act of 2005."

Jason Brown, a former VP of finance for HealthSouth was sentenced to a year and a day in prison where, ironically, he'll have better health care than his company provided.

Refco named a former NYC comptroller Harrison J. Goldin as its CEO. The over/under on his tenure as CEO? Five months. Refco, futures trading, comptroller... sounds like a Sci-Fi flick. Buck Rodgers and the 21st Century Bankruptcy!

In a similar vein, Seagate bought Maxtor and immediately began construction on a laser-guided ultra-ship to battle Captain Nemoy and the hyper-sonic sea monsters of Nebulon 5. To the Destructo-Sub!!

IBM will buy Micromuse, despite the protests of Peter Pan, who claims the tiny little inspiration belongs to him.

In merger interruptus news, Albertson's sale is in limbo after the board rejected a $9.6 billion bid. Clean up in Aisle 6. Bankruptcy in Chapter 11.

Pounding the Pavement

In other corporate news this week, Electronic Arts said video game sales will be down. I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that they make four games -- fighting, shooting, racing, and football -- and just repackage them every few months. Who wouldn't pay $50 for that?

Research In Motion's Blackberry faces the (slim) possibility of a shutdown. Luckily, we're all manly men who know how to survive in the wild. Just yesterday I stalked, killed and skinned a tall mocha latte. You can have my $2.50 when you pry it from my cold, dead hand.

Ford's debt ratings were lowered to junk status this week. Since they did invent the assembly line, it's only right that they start the dis-assembly line, too.

In a related story, Toyota's production may soon rival GM's, but GM will still be the leader in vehicles that harm the environment and the economy. USA! USA! USA!

Chevron discovered oil in the deepest well ever drilled. The well is reportedly deep enough to bury Calpine's books.

Ah, Calpine. The company joins Mirant, NRG, and National Energy as the fourth major electricity producer to seek bankruptcy since Enron. I feel for those who lost money, but you should know, there's only one safe investment: Teddy Bears. They never lie to you. Never. Isn't that right Mr. Biggles.

Pfizer's Lipitor patent protection was extended until 2011, meaning we've got to wait another six years to be addicted to a generic version. By "generic," I mean, so debilitating that we all end up plugged into the same machine that alternates high-fat food and fat-reducing medication until we're all the same shade of grey and have to sell blood for fresh water. Happy New Year.

Finally, Nike's quarterly profit rose 15%, after it changed its slogan to a more direct, "Just Buy It." Actually, the profit was attributed to sales of walking shoes to New Yorkers.

NYC subway workers went on strike this week, forcing all of us to remember the real meaning of the holiday season: anger and vengeance. Actually, New Yorkers pulled together again. I got several rides with strangers and only once did I have to dress up like Little Bo Peep. (Although I never did get the candy that guy in the van promised.)

Have a safe, happy, and not-too-serious holiday.