George Mannes

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The Five Dumbest Things on Wall Street This Week

George Mannes

1. DaimlerChrysler's Jeep Tricks

It was a nice gesture by Jeep manufacturer DaimlerChrysler (DCX Quote) this week to mourn the death of cartoonist Bill Mauldin. But we at the lab object to how the company rewrote history in the process. Or, more precisely, redrew it.

Some words of explanation for all of you tykes out there. Back during World War II, Sgt. Mauldin became a folk hero among his fellow soldiers, thanks to the series of cartoons he drew for the armed forces newspaper Stars and Stripes. Revolving around two beaten-down infantrymen, Willie and Joe, the cartoons depicted war on the European front from the ground level -- not heroic clashes, but a perpetual quest for a decent night's sleep and a dry pair of socks. Mauldin's cartoons were popular enough to incur the wrath of Gen. George Patton, who Mauldin said accused him of lowering the Army's morale.

And somewhere in the middle of it all, Mauldin won a Pulitzer Prize for his cartoons, with the Pulitzer's board calling special attention to his ironically illustrated panel titled "Fresh, spirited American troops, flushed with victory, are bringing in thousands of hungry, ragged, battle-weary prisoners. (News item)."

In short, here was a guy who achieved greatness by drawing life as he saw it, not as the sanitized version others may have wanted him to see. Check out his portfolio on Stars and Stripes' Web site and judge for yourself.

Anyway, let's skip ahead to this past Monday, five days after Mauldin died at the age of 81.

There in The New York Times we see a full-page advertisement paying tribute to Mauldin -- an ad placed by DaimlerChrysler, whose Jeeps played supporting and even starring roles in many of Mauldin's wartime cartoons. (Well, the semi-Stuttgart-based manufacturer didn't own Jeep during WWII, but that's not relevant to this story.)

"With great sadness, the Jeep brand says goodbye to the great cartoonist who immortalized the heroic enlisted men of WWII," reads the ad. And above that farewell to Mauldin, the ad reproduces a classic Mauldin Jeep-centric cartoon: a GI, shielding his eyes with sadness, reaching for a box of tissues sitting on the hood of a Jeep.

Artistic Driver's License From shoot to sanitized

Oops. There's a little problem here. That cartoon, which DaimlerChrysler duplicated in loving tribute, is not, in fact, Mauldin's original cartoon.

In the original version, you see, the soldier isn't reaching for a box of tissues. There's no box on the hood. Instead, the soldier's outstretched hand holds a pistol pointed at the hood of the Jeep. Reluctantly, the soldier is about to shoot his vehicle in the hood.

See, that's the joke. The left front wheel of the Jeep has collapsed, you might notice. It's the WWII equivalent of a horse that has broken its leg. The heartbroken rider must shoot the horse in the head and put him out of its misery.

So, there you have it. In paying tribute to Mauldin, DaimlerChrysler has completely glossed over the dark humor that was an essential part of his appeal. They're preserving his memory by changing his work. And we don't like it.

Admittedly, we're alone on this issue right now. A spokeswoman for Stars and Stripes, which owns the copyright on the cartoon, says that the publication has no problem with the revised cartoon.

And DaimlerChrysler is proud of the changes it made especially for the ad. "We thought it was a pretty clever way to pay our respects to a great cartoonist," says a spokesman. "I really think it's a bit more eyecatching when you make that slight change and convey that emotion about his work, and how he characterized the Jeep vehicle and its role in the war, and how we feel about his passing. ... I don't think it denigrates his work at all. It really pays homage to his life."

We at the Five Dumbest Things Research Lab disagree. We don't want Mauldin to be like a box of tissues, sanitized for our protection.

2. If You'd Like to Talk, Just Buzz Me on My Cell Phone

You know, we thought our new cell phone -- it sends instant messages, it receives email and you can use it to talk -- was a pretty hot little item in the world of wireless telephony. The diminutive size, the neat design, the color screen, the customized ring tone -- we thought it was impressive.

Boy, we were wrong.

See, as TheStreet.com's ace wireless/PDA reporter Ken Li pointed out to us this week, there's a cell phone out there that really makes an impression on people.

Yes, say hello to the Cell Phone Stun Gun, marketed by Safety Technology of Jacksonville, Fla. Who cares if it doesn't actually work as a cell phone? Powered by a simple 9-volt battery, it can deliver a jolt, says Safety Technology, of 180,000 volts.

Unfortunately, bringing one to the office here on Wall Street may be problematic. First off, stun guns are illegal in New York City and New York State, it appears.

More alarming to us, however, is our fear that as absent-minded professorial types, we may one day try to answer an incoming phone call not on our cell phone, but on our stun gun. We're all in favor of sideburns, but not that kind.

3. Compuware Is the Love?

Speaking of getting an earful, the research lab got a lot of angry mail this week responding to our story about the lawsuit that software firm Compuware (CPWR Quote) filed against Moody's Investors Service.

As you may recall, we made much mirth of Compuware's complaint, which came in response to Moody's August 2002 downgrade of Compuware's bank credit facility to junk status. We found particularly ludicrous Compuware's allegation that Moody's defamed Compuware by downgrading Compuware but not fellow software company Computer Associates (CA Quote).

"Idiots!" proclaimed multiple correspondents. "You completely missed the point!" What we overlooked, said the multitudes, was that Compuware had, in fact, no money borrowed under the bank credit facility. The loan was all paid up. If junk status implies risk of default -- which it does -- how could there be a risk of Compuware's not paying back money that it hadn't even borrowed?

Good point, we thought. So we called up Moody's to chat over the merits of the case.

A Moody's spokeswoman said the company had done exactly what it was supposed to do. "We performed our role, which to deliver to investors an independent assessment of a company's future creditworthiness," said the spokeswoman. "What matters is the company is asked for a bank loan rating -- a rating on a line of credit. And until the line of credit is terminated, Moody's will render an opinion on the creditworthiness of the company."

A Moody Response

So there. And even if you disagree, we still stand by our first point: You can't get out of a punishment by arguing that someone else deserves it more. Don't believe us? Well, then, the next time you get pulled over for speeding, tell the policeman writing up the ticket that everybody else was speeding, too. Just see what he says.

4. On A Clear Day, You Can See for Evergreen

Speaking of twisted court proceedings, the Research Lab has an update on an insider trading case that may be less inside than we previously reported.

Back in October, to jog your memory, we discussed the odd situation at audio/video distribution company DG Systems (DGIT Quote). Here was a company whose chairman, Scott Ginsburg, had been found guilty of insider trading, based on his activities at Evergreen Media, a company he had headed before joining DG Systems.

Yet despite the usual corporate practice of resigning from a public company's board if one has violated securities laws, Ginsburg was still hanging around DG Systems. And the company's board, in its wisdom, was in no hurry to push him out the door.

Well, as The New York Times reported earlier this month, a federal judge threw out Ginsburg's conviction. Evidence that Ginsburg could communicate inside information, wrote the judge, is not evidence that he did.

There you go. And heck, DG Systems' shares have jumped 38% since we last wrote about them, up to $1.34. Time to celebrate!

5. Give It a Reset

So when will this AOL Time Warner (AOL Quote) merger get going?

You'll remember, of course, that the company was going to hit the ground running, firing on all cylinders, back when the merger transaction of America Online and Time Warner was closed in January 2001.

Then things were going to turn around when CEO Jerry Levin left. Or maybe when Bob Pittman left. Or when Steve Case said he was stepping down. Or when Ted Turner announced his surprise resignation as vice chairman.

Now CEO Dick Parsons says 2003 will be a "reset year." The real action, we are to understand, will start in 2004.

Don't wake us up when it's over. Wake us up when it starts.