Say Goodbye, It's Independence Day

So, we're celebrating Independence Day. But just how did we Yanks get to be so darned independent? TheStreet.com's Eugene Finerman is delighted you asked. His gut-busting Tory story is like nothing you ever read in American History class. It is a tale of arrogance and ineptitude, and, well, if you want fireworks, just read on. It's enough to make you flip your Whig. The entire story will be posted tomorrow morning. But to whet your appetite, here's a taste of what's to come:

George III spoke English and was faithful to his wife: That drove America to revolution. The American colonists had been spoiled by the first two Georges. They were a father-and-son team of German princelings, who inherited the throne of England after Queen Anne drank herself to death. Those two Georges were content to babble in German, occupy themselves with remarkably ugly mistresses, and let the empire alone. Unfortunately, even in the dimmest of royal families, after 46 years of ruling a country, someone was bound to learn the native language.

Worse still, the third George's marital fidelity left him extra time to run the kingdom. He was the type of man who confused conscientiousness with actual ability. A more assertive Parliament might have diverted George's energies to curing scrofula. The Whigs regarded the monarchy as a nuisance and, when in power, limited the king's responsibilities to being a Protestant. At the time of George's succession, however, the Tories dominated the House of Commons. These country squires liked the idea of a domineering, swaggering monarch because they could identify with it.

Assured of a servile Parliament, the king turned his attention to the empire to see what he could improve, and he discovered America. Of course, it was a pleasure having those colonies if only to spite France and Spain, but America simply was costing Britain too much money. The British government did not want to get rich off America -- it had India for that -- but the Crown believed the colonists should pay more taxes. Americans suddenly were confronted with new taxes, more officials to collect the taxes, and more British soldiers to protect the officials, which in turn required more taxes to pay for the soldiers.

Confusing bureaucracy with tyranny, the Americans protested against the usurpation of their rights as Englishmen. The king, however, did not consider a tax-free status one of those rights. Nor, in the Crown's view, was the right to dress up like Indians and dump tea in a harbor specifically guaranteed by the Magna Carta. The tarring-and-feathering of tax collectors was another uniquely American argument for home rule and full representation in Parliament. Given these provocations, the royal response was remarkably tolerant. Boston, for its antics, endured a naval blockade and martial law; Dublin would have been leveled. America's lenient treatment reflected the king's and his ministers' views on child rearing.

Britain took the role of mother country quite literally, and the colonies were going to be brought up in the best traditions of the Tory nursery. While conception and birth required the presence of at least one parent, a proper British child tried not to be a further inconvenience. The good little Tory would keep a respectful distance and follow either his parents' example or their advice, whichever was the more reputable. The bad little Tory, however, was not punished; the parents never bothered, and the servants never dared. Any physical or psychological abuse could wait until the daughters married or the sons went to Eton.

Don't forget to check back in tomorrow for the rest of the story.

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Eugene Finerman is a humorist, speechwriter and an impressionable stooge of Masterpiece Theatre. Given his susceptibility to television, thank goodness he doesn't watch MTV. Otherwise, he'd now have body piercings. Our shameless Tory renegade welcomes your email at comment.