Funny Money: Golden Hits

Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.

The year 2006 is over … and still no jet packs. Oh well, at least I've got love handles. Let's take a look at the second half of the past year and some of the big stories you may have missed. These items should make you jump up and sing, "I feeeeel good."

July

Hank Paulson was sworn in as Treasury Secretary and promptly began asking about severance packages.

The House passed a bill to ban most online gambling. Exempted from the bill: state lotteries, horse tracks and waking up each and every day to face an uncertain future with people you barely know.

The House also allowed any credit-rating company in business for three years to become a "nationally recognized statistical rating organization." Phew. I was worried all the identity theft fear would stop sketchy organizations from getting my personal info. Come 2009, I'll be protected by "Pedro's Credit Rating Service and Auto Supply."

Airbus introduced the new A350 XWB, which stands for "extra wide body." It can seat up to 375 passengers, or 13 Americans.

Boeing decided not to treat a $615 million ethics settlement with the government as a tax deduction. What? Next thing you know, I won’t be able to write off my jail cell as a home office.

Now showing on Wall Street's Short Attention Span Theater: Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia, recently panned, now a darling with new earnings. Coming soon to the theater: Amazon.com.