How to (Sniff) Be a Wine Snob

Let's begin by coming to grips with a few of life's simple facts. A person who knows wine, and demonstrates his acumen at the dinner table in front of you and your friends, is one of the most intimidating people you'll ever meet. Admit it. This joker is right up there with that kind patrol officer at the Department of Motor Vehicles who rode along with you on your driving test.

And who can blame you for hating The Wine Snob (T.W.S). Isn't it amazing how T.W.S. always commandeers the wine list from the sommelier -- the wine steward to those who don't know this preferred term -- and then holds you hostage for the next half-hour while he makes comments about every bottle listed on every page? Well, I have some news for you. The only way to upend T.W.S. is to become one yourself. And you know what? Becoming one is a lot easier than you think.

My Friend, the Sommelier

OK, you say, "Why would I want to become one of these jerks?" Well, being T.W.S. has some decided advantages. For one, wine snobs know enough about wine that they can select an excellent bottle without paying a fortune for it. And wine snobs tend to be noticed at their favorite restaurants. In one of my SoHo haunts, the sommelier recognizes me and usually suggests a rare bottle with dinner. And believe it or not, more than once I've gotten it for free -- so I would come back and bring more of my deep-pocketed pals. (T.W.S. rarely picks up the tab.) Best yet, your local wine retailer likely will give you a special T.W.S. discount on some of his best bottles.

Now that you're sold on the benefits of wine snobbery, let's begin by ridding ourselves of all novice mistakes. The biggest is drinking wine at the wrong temperature, an especially hostile mistake if you have ordered a bottle at a restaurant and are now forcing your pals to guzzle this foul vino along with you.