Funny Money: Omnipotent Leaders

Editor's Note: Welcome to "Funny Money," a feature written by New York-based comedian Jeff Kreisler. Lest there be any confusion, please note that this column is a work of satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy the weekend.

As a matter of national security, this column will not include any cartoons.

Alan Greenspan resigned this week, and in his last act, reared up on his hind legs, let out a terrible roar and struck down four Fed governors with a single swipe.

Actually, he raised interest rates, took some furniture, and invested all his personal money in China. Then he solemnly intoned, "Ben Bernanke, I am your father."

I've been thinking, between the Internet and housing markets, Greenspan presided over more bubbles than Joe Bazooka. But with fewer puns.

The Chair is dead. Long live The Chair!

Elsewhere in Washington D.C., during Tuesday's State of the Union address the President said that "the future, is, yet to come." Which is true...

He added, "We've created a lot of new jobs," by which he means bankruptcy lawyers, Sarbanes-Oxley accountants, undertakers, disaster relief workers, handbook translators for outsourced companies...

We can "stay on track to cut the deficit in half by 2009..." Or, we could time travel to 1999 when there was no deficit.

"By 2025, we can be free from Middle East oil," Bush said, but by then the ice caps will have melted so much we'll be addicted to rentals of "Waterworld."

I think we will wean ourselves off of oil with fuels like ethanol. Though then we'll be beholden to the corn lobby, and before you know it, we'll be invading Iowa to prevent them from plowing under their corn fields. If you build it, he will come... and raise gas prices.

In an intimately related story, OPEC agreed to keep pumping oil at a high rate, despite claims from Iran and Venezuela that they were too busy hating America to count all their money. Iran actually didn't mind America weaning itself from Iranian oil, as long as it became hooked on Iranian nuclear power. They've got plenty.

To watch Jeff's video version of this column, please click here.